The other day I asked a client how she was doing, and right off the bat, she started

shoulding on herself. Well, I'm not feeling very well, she said. I'm feeling kind of depressed,

but I should be happy because things are going fine, she said. I mean, I shouldn't feel so down,

she said. And I've got so much to do with a new baby and with my job. I should be spending

more time with him and I should be working harder and I should be more grateful that I have a job at all.

And she went on and on until I stopped her. She wasn't sure why she was feeling depressed that

week, neither was I, but I can absolutely tell you something that was making it

worse, shoulding on herself. Psychiatrist Karen Hornay was among the first to notice a common

pattern among people who felt guilty, depressed, and anxious. They constantly said, I should. And so

she called it the tyranny of the should. So here are some examples of what shoulding sounds like.

I should be able to solve every problem quickly and easily.

I shouldn't feel this way.

I should never need a rest.

I should never make mistakes.

I should be totally self-reliant.

The world should be fair.

My life shouldn't be like this. He should be more responsible.

Strawberries should be cheaper than french fries. I should be exercising more. I should spend more time with my kids.

Now, a should statement is a cognitive distortion. It's based on an overly rigid rule inside your head that you

aren't able to live up to. Shuds generate a lot of shame. This way of talking to ourselves is

like having a little shoulder angel constantly finding fault and criticizing you. But shoulds

just aren't that helpful in actually creating change. They mostly just make us

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