In My Own Hands
Out There
Willow Belden
4.6 • 608 Ratings
🗓️ 21 September 2017
⏱️ 34 minutes
🧾️ Download transcript
Summary
Kaleen Torbiak has tried to kill herself many times. She grew up in a troubled family, spent years struggling with depression, and was convinced that the world would be better off without her.
But one November day in 2015, everything changed. That day, Kaleen walked into the woods, determined to end her life -- and came out a few days later fighting to live.
On this episode, reporter Heather Kitching explores what happened during those fateful days. The story gives us a glimpse into one woman's tortured mind, and examines what it takes to make a person want to live again.
Transcript
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| 0:00.0 | I woke up and the first thing in my mind was today's the day. I wasn't sad. I wasn't upset. |
| 0:09.2 | And because I wasn't upset, I am crying. I thought for sure this was the day that I had to commit suicide. |
| 0:15.7 | Hi, I'm Willow Belden and you're listening to Out There, the podcast that explores big questions |
| 0:21.3 | through intimate stories in the outdoors. |
| 0:24.3 | The person you just heard is Colleen Torbiak, and the day she's talking about is November 25, 2015. |
| 0:32.7 | That was the day Colleen hiked into a trail system near Atticoke and Ontario with a backpack full of, |
| 0:40.3 | let's just say things a person might use if they wanted to end their life. Colleen came out of the woods three days later, fighting to survive. What happened to her is extraordinary, and it sheds some light on what it means |
| 0:57.1 | to want to die. It also helps us understand what ignites the will to live in a person who's |
| 1:04.5 | convinced they want to end their life. Heather Kitching brings us Killeen's story. And we should also warn you that this story contains some disturbing details, |
| 1:14.5 | so it might not be the best episode to listen to with small children. |
| 1:34.3 | Colleen Torbiak has wanted to die almost as long as she's been alive. Ever since she was a kid, she's woken up morning after morning, feeling nothing but an oppressive emptiness. |
| 1:42.3 | Interacting with her friends and loved ones |
| 1:45.2 | felt like some kind of performance. |
| 1:47.7 | The real Colleen moved around in her own little bubble, |
| 1:51.2 | looking out at the world as if she were staring up |
| 1:53.6 | from under the surface of a pool. |
| 1:55.6 | I hated myself, I hated my life. |
| 1:58.1 | I hated everything about it. |
| 2:07.4 | Life wasn't gentle to Colleen growing up. |
| 2:11.4 | She spent her middle school years in and out of foster homes. |
| 2:14.8 | Some were nice, some not so nice. |
| 2:17.2 | She ran away from all of them. |
... |
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