If It’s Not "Narcissism," What Is It? (The Answer) - The Narcissism Trap Series Part Four [369]
Flying Free
Natalie Hoffman
4.9 • 1.1K Ratings
🗓️ 3 March 2026
⏱️ 15 minutes
🧾️ Download transcript
Summary
In Episode 369 of the Flying Free Podcast, you’ll learn a term that's more accurate than "narcissistic abuse,” and it's actually being recognized in courts of law. This is part four of The Narcissism Trap Series, and it shifts everything from trying to diagnose your partner to recognizing what's really happening to you.
If you've been stuck wondering whether he meets the clinical criteria for narcissism or whether therapy could change him, this episode will free you from that trap. Natalie breaks down coercive control—what sociologist Evan Stark calls a "liberty crime"—and why understanding this pattern matters more than any personality disorder diagnosis ever could.
🔑 Key Takeaways:
- Why sociologist Evan Stark calls coercive control a "liberty crime" (and what that means for you)
- The calculated reason behind those "small" controlling acts that don't seem like abuse
- What happens in your brain when you start to self-police your own thoughts and feelings
- Why England made this a criminal offense in 2015 (and which U.S. states are following)
- The internal checkpoint questions that reveal if you're living in coercive control right now
Get Today’s Free Resource:
🧐 Are you wondering what is happening inside your own painful and confusing marriage? I wrote a book just for you called Is It Me? Making Sense of Your Confusing Marriage. Get a free chapter by going to isitmebook.com
I will also send you my weekly Hope Letters for Christian women in emotionally and spiritually abusive marriages.
Transcript
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| 0:00.0 | Hi, this is Natalie Hoffman of Flying Free Now.com, and you're listening to the Flying Free |
| 0:07.8 | Podcast, a support resource for women of faith looking for hope and healing from hidden |
| 0:14.2 | emotional and spiritual abuse. Welcome to episode 369 of the Flying Free Podcast. |
| 0:21.9 | For the past three episodes, we've been unpacking what many of us call narcissistic abuse. |
| 0:27.3 | And while that term has helped countless women begin to recognize what's happening to them, |
| 0:32.6 | today I want to talk more about the term I introduced you to in the last episode, |
| 0:37.4 | a term that I think is |
| 0:38.6 | more accurate. It's definitely more legally recognized, and that term is coercive control. |
| 0:45.5 | Using the correct terminology matters, because when we focus on narcissism as a personality |
| 0:51.8 | disorder, we get stuck trying to diagnose someone. We spend our energy |
| 0:57.0 | wondering if they meet the clinical criteria, if they'll ever get help, if therapy could |
| 1:02.6 | change them. But the diagnosis doesn't actually matter. What matters is the behavior that they're |
| 1:08.8 | exhibiting and the pattern of control that you're experiencing |
| 1:12.2 | in your relationship. Sociologist Evan Stark coined this term coercive control and he defines it as |
| 1:19.8 | a pattern of domination that includes tactics to isolate, degrade, exploit, and control another person. It is an ongoing course of conduct |
| 1:31.0 | designed to strip you of your freedom and make you dependent on that other person. Stark calls it, |
| 1:38.2 | and I love this term, a liberty crime. Just like being taken hostage, coercive control actually traps you in your own life. |
| 1:49.0 | Your autonomy, your choices, your sense of who you are gradually disappear until you can barely |
| 1:55.6 | recognize yourself anymore. The power of coercive control is in how deliberate is. These aren't random acts of anger and |
| 2:04.8 | frustration. These are often calculated instrumental tactics chosen because they do effectively |
| 2:12.2 | win privileges. They maintain dominance and they limit your capacity for independence and even getting out. |
| 2:21.5 | Think about it this way. The abuser is going to use repeated, often very small micro-controlling acts |
... |
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