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If I were rich.

If I were rich, and I mean filthy rich, I'd buy a dog shelter first, hands down, no questions.

It would be a gigantic farm, big enough to house hundreds, no, thousands of dogs.

They would be free to roam, drinking out of huge sculpted toilets out back, and I'd call our ranch dog-gonnet.

Or maybe our dog is an awesome dog.

Man, you get the idea.

The second thing I'd do is gather the county's unfortunate children and offer them rooms and food for free.

They can take care of our dogs.

We'll need somebody to do that, to groom them, read them Dr. Seuss books, tell them bedtime

stories.

And our children are free to live on the farm until retirement age, at which point we'll

transfer them to the dog works in mysterious ways nursing home.

You'll find a school on our property, too, one with doggy doors, because while Miss Roberts

teaches the underprivileged multiplication tables, Otis and Sadie bound into the classroom

...