If I Have To Ask, It Doesn't Count

Relationship Advice

Colter Bloxom

Relationships, Society & Culture, Health & Fitness, Mental Health

4.4 • 1.7K Ratings

🗓️ 28 February 2026

⏱️ 56 minutes

🔗️ Recording | iTunes | RSS

🧾️ Download transcript

Summary

Why does it feel so disappointing to ask for what you want? In this episode, we unpack the hidden belief that “if I have to ask, it doesn’t count” — and how that mindset turns simple needs (compliments, celebration, affection) into silent resentment. We explore the shame, fear of failure, childhood triggers, and meaning-making underneath it all — and how shifting from mind-reading to curiosity can completely change the dynamic. Main Talking Points: • Mind-reading myth • Meaning-making traps • Shame & fear • Childhood wounds • Process > content Give Me Discounts! Check out Relationship Academy! ⁠ ⁠Cozy Earth⁠⁠ - Black Friday has come early! Right now, you can stack my code “IDO” on top of their sitewide sale — giving you up to 40% off in savings. These deals won’t last, so start your holiday shopping today! ⁠⁠Beducate⁠⁠ - Use code relationship69 for 65% off the annual pass. ⁠⁠AG1 - ⁠⁠AG1 has become my go to every morning. ⁠⁠Simple Practice⁠⁠ - If you're in mental health and not using simple practice then what are you doing??? ⁠⁠Spark My Relationship Course:⁠⁠ Get $100 off our online course. Visit⁠⁠ SparkMyRelationship.com/Unlock⁠⁠ for our special offer just for our I Do Podcast listeners! ⁠⁠Skylight⁠⁠⁠ - Use code “IDO” for $30 off your 15 inch calendar. If you love this episode (and our podcast!), would you mind giving us a⁠ review in iTunes⁠? It would mean the world to us and we promise it only takes a minute. Many thanks in advance! – Colter, Cayla, & Lauren Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Transcript

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0:00.0	There once was a woman who lived in a shoe. A size too snug, but what could she do? But that's not where her story ends. Thanks to a little help from her Experian friends, she got her score into much better shape and relocated to a box fresh new place, with room to grow and a mortgage to suit. Now, she lives in a spacious four-bedroom cowboy boots. Better your
0:23.7	Experian credit score to help get mortgage ready. Experian. Better your score. Better your story.
0:30.0	Hey friends, welcome to relationship advice. I'm Colter. And I'm Lauren, and we will be joined with
0:34.7	our friend Kayla in just a moment. We are all licensed professional
0:38.2	therapists and real-life friends who care deeply about helping people feel more connected
0:42.5	in their relationships. On this show, we help you make sense of these stuck spots, the patterns,
0:47.4	the fights, the disconnections that keep showing up even when you're really putting in the work.
0:51.7	You can expect honest conversations, practical insight, and stories that help you understand
0:56.2	why things feel hard and what actually helps.
0:59.4	Whether you're here to improve your relationship, understand yourself better, or just feel a little less alone.
1:04.9	You're in the right place.
1:06.2	Let's get into today's episode.
1:16.3	Music to today's episode. So everybody wants their partner to notice things about them.
1:19.9	We want people to be interested in us, take note when we've made some sort of improvement
1:24.0	or done something out of the ordinary.
1:26.7	We expect certain levels of
1:27.9	engagement in our stories and our conversations, but we've also all got this tricky little
1:32.3	rule that is we shouldn't have to ask for it, which makes sense to me. If I've got
1:37.7	freshened a haircut, new outfit, beard trimmed, I'm looking, you know, just right. I want a little bit of affirmation about that
1:45.9	from my wife. And it doesn't quite feel the same way if I have to say, hey, can you tell me
1:51.4	I look good? I mean, like what she's supposed to do with that? And that's what today's episode is
1:56.7	about whether you are expecting your partner to know what you want or you've got a partner that
	...

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