If Consequences Aren't Working, Try This Instead

Respectful Parenting: Janet Lansbury Unruffled

JLML Press

Kids & Family, Parenting

4.7 • 3.8K Ratings

🗓️ 21 January 2025

⏱️ 31 minutes

🔗️ Recording | iTunes | RSS

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Summary

A parent with 2 children, 4 and 1.5-years-old, writes to Janet feeling disappointed and concerned that he's letting his children down. This dad admits that he’s very sensitive to his both children’s emotions, especially if they’re upset. In order to deal with their typical, rambunctious behaviors, he’s attempted to set reasonable boundaries with consequences in terms of dressing, bathing, bedtime, roughhousing, etc. This "If you do that, then... " strategy was effective for a while, he says, but lately seems to have backfired because his four-year-old is now giving him ultimatums. The boy's behaviors have become more extreme, and in response the dad says he threatens unnatural consequences, which leads to tears, more guilt, and on and on. “I hate the whole cycle,” he says. “I hate feeling like I’ve let them down. I hate the feeling of being out of control. Mostly, I hate and fear the breaking of trust and the positive relationship that I have with him.”

Janet offers her suggestions and encouragement.

Learn more about Janet's "No Bad Kids Master Course" at: NoBadKidsCourse.com.

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Transcript

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0:00.0	Wondery Plus subscribers can listen to Unruffled ad-free right now.
0:05.0	Join Wondery Plus in the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts.
0:11.5	Hi, this is Janet Lansbury.
0:13.7	Welcome to Unruffled.
0:15.6	Today I'm going to be replying to a parent's question. Their subject line is help with boundaries and
0:25.3	consequences. They've been using consequences to help with their children's behavior, and they found
0:33.5	that this is backfiring, actually. It's not helping them in the situations they need help with
0:39.2	with their children. And also, their son is starting to threaten consequences back to them.
0:46.2	So I'm hoping to help this parent reframe some of the ideas that he has and get clearer on his role and what will really work for him to achieve his
0:59.2	goals, which is to have a close, trusting relationship with his children. And that's what we all
1:04.8	want, right? Okay, so here's the email that I received. Dear Janet, in the process of writing this letter,
1:13.0	I'm probably going to answer a lot of my own questions, or at least be able to predict what
1:18.1	you're going to say in response. But I still think I need to write it. Maybe I'll write it
1:23.4	and then have no need to send it, but let's see. Firstly, I love your approach. Every time I listen to a
1:30.0	podcast or read some of your wisdom in your book, it aligns perfectly with how I want to be as a parent.
1:36.1	I'm 100% on board with your principles. What I find difficult is putting it into practice.
1:44.0	What I get from you is that I should be developing a mindset
1:47.3	rather than a list of practices or stock phrases, and I like that.
1:53.0	But it is a difficult thing to do.
1:55.7	I can have a day where I'm listening to your podcast on the way home from work
1:59.5	and have a really positive mindset
2:01.2	in place. And then, when I get home, one or two things can happen, and it's all gone out the window.
	...

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