Hello and welcome to wrong turns.

This is the show where dignity goes to die, your weekly dose of smug as you feel better

about your own life and your own terrible decisions because you hear how much

dumber we are. And every week I invite my favorite funny people to come and tell me their

tales of woe and joining me today as a writer-producer and comedian who's performed on the

tonight show six times. His latest special is Material Boy and you can see it now on YouTube.

See him live around the country and buy tickets at Ian Lara Live.com. It's Ian Fucking Lara. Hello.

Hey, guys. Thank you guys for having me. This is very cool. I appreciate it.

Thanks for being here. I am also thrilled to welcome a writer, producer, director,

and performer from The Daily Show, Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, Broad City, Brooklyn

9-9 and Southside. His latest project is a documentary about the comedy legend Mitch Headberg. It's Michael Blyden. Yay! Oh, gentlemen, how are you doing? How are your

lives going? You're right? I have two little kids, and so I don't feel exhausted today,

and that is the benchmark. I have no kids,. My life is great. I'm just like doing

whatever I want. Yeah, I'm exactly the same as Ian. I have no children. So we look like this

every day. I'm sorry, Michael. Yeah, it's very cool. I can talk about it. Yeah. I'm sure you will.

But how old are your kids? They're going to be five and

seven and I was cuddling with my son two nights ago and he's like, hey, smell my finger. And I was

like, I'm really not interested in that. And he sticks his finger here and it's a mixture of

fecal smell and anal gland smell

and then just like other associated smells and I was so nauseated that I started to panic because I

kind of a germaphobe and I was like okay we're going to go wash your hands right now we're

going to wash your hands right now and don't touch anything on the way to the bathroom. And of course, that was the wrong thing to say

...