I Wrote This Essay, but Then Changed My Mind

Modern Love

The New York Times

Society & Culture, Nyt, Nytimes, Loss, Redemption, Storytelling, New York Times, Love, Essay

4.3 • 9K Ratings

🗓️ 25 October 2023

⏱️ 26 minutes

🔗️ Recording | iTunes | RSS

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Summary

Heather Sellers wrote her Modern Love essay in 2013, about reconnecting with her elderly, estranged father. Although their relationship was painful, Heather made sure that her last words to her father were “I love you.” And at the time, that felt like closure. Now, 10 years later, Heather tells our host, Anna Martin, that she would write a completely different essay today. She sees her father, and herself, in a new light — and realizes that “forgiveness” isn’t as simple a concept as she once believed.

Transcript

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0:00.0	From The New York Times, I'm Anna Martin.
0:10.0	This is Modern Love.
0:12.6	Heather Sellers wrote her Modern Love essay in 2013.
0:15.5	It was about reconnecting with her estranged abusive father, Fred, and she wrote it with
0:20.2	a sense of closure, as a way to make peace with their complicated relationship.
0:25.5	But in the 10 years since Heather published her essay, her feelings have changed.
0:31.3	There's something interesting about a Modern Love essay.
0:33.4	At some point, it becomes an artifact, a snapshot of a particular moment in the author's life.
0:39.9	But what happens when time passes and that story doesn't feel true anymore?
0:48.8	Heather Sellers, welcome to Modern Love.
0:51.7	Thank you for having me.
0:53.7	So you wrote your Modern Love essay back in 2013.
0:58.9	Have you read it recently?
1:01.2	I haven't read it.
1:02.3	I didn't even read it when it was published.
1:05.8	Why didn't you want to read it?
1:08.0	Thinking about my father and just truly excruciating pain of that relationship is so destabilizing
1:18.2	the less the better.
1:19.6	It felt really important to me to document what had happened between us at the end of
1:23.5	his life, and I sent it away and didn't really want to think about it again.
1:28.5	But what you've agreed to do with me today is to read your essay.
1:33.3	I know it will not be easy for you, but I'd love to have a conversation about what you wrote
	...

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