Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!

It’s here: the final episode of 2021. Last years final episode was about how dating has changed in 2020. (You can listen to that episode here.) I have felt recently exactly what the title says: that I kinda suck at dating. So I wanted to be honest with you about what I’m moving through. I struggle with what to share and when to share it with you. I really want to honor my own process and I also want to be vulnerable with where I’m really at. So here goes it.

Teaching From Scars

• I always try to teach from my scars and not my scabs, but maybe I’ve taken that too far and used it as an excuse to put walls up and not be vulnerable.
• I normally wouldn’t even tell you that I had a dating relationship this year that didn’t work out. But I decided to share it on Patreon a little while ago. And now I want to share it with you.

Where I Went Wrong

• I’m so used to being in community with women—I forgot what it felt like to have a man in my life. It was completely out of my comfort zone.
• I didn’t realize how many walls I had up until I tried to get to know one.
• I liked him so much, but I was terrified to let him know. I was afraid of rejection and became prickly, defensive, or always needed to be right.

What I Learned About Myself

1. Honesty is different from vulnerability.
2. • I share my mind with everyone. I share my heart with like 3 people.
   • I am comfortable sharing truth with the masses and women, but I withhold the truth with men.
   • All I wanted was him to make movement towards me. But I would resist. I would hide my heart, stiff arm, and ninja warrior away from those bids and invitations.
3. I put walls up.
   • To me, this person was my dream person. But the timing was off. You can meet the perfect person for you, but if it’s not the right time, it just won’t work. This is a really hard pill to swallow.
4. Timing is everything.
   • I have so many unhealed wounds from my father. I brought my trauma into every interaction + conversation: you’ll probably leave me.
5. The work is never done.
6. The #1 thing to look for is willingness to grow vs. perfection

Resources

• Here’s that throwback blog post I mentioned about a breakup I had years ago.
• Listen to last year’s podcast episode on how dating has changed here.
• Listen to last year’s 2020 reflection podcast episode here.
• Check out Rockefeller Center on IG at @rockefellercenter and Twitter at @rockcenternyc

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