Okay, this is important, but it's pretty straightforward.

When you make a mistake, you have two choices, shame or guilt.

So let's say you hurt someone you really care about.

Guilt says, oh, what I did was wrong, I made a mistake.

Shame says, I am a mistake. There's something wrong with me.

So let's say you flirt with your ex on the internet while you're in a committed

relationship. Your girlfriend finds out, you have a huge fight. In this case, shame doesn't look

like drooping your head. It looks like hot shame. Maybe you scream and yell about what she does

wrong too. You blame her for snooping, for being oversensitive, for overreacting, and then storm out of the apartment and

drive off. But as you do, deep down, you feel like a loser. Like you'll never be lovable

because you're such an F-up. You don't want to see anyone. You don't want to talk to anyone

because you're ashamed of what you did. Or you know that you'll never be happy because you screw up so much.

And then you head to the bar to be alone and drown your pain.

This is a shame response.

Shame says you're a complete screw up and you'll never have a good relationship.

Guilt says, I messed up. I need to fix this. Now, deep down you know you messed up.

Deep down you value being honest, being faithful, and you know what you did was wrong.

So let's imagine this conversation goes differently.

Your girlfriend catches you flirting with other girls on the internet.

What would honestly facing your guilt look like? Maybe saying something like, I messed up.

I'm so sorry. I'm gonna fix this. I'm going to keep learning and get help so I can figure

out how to stop doing this. Can we go to therapy together? How have I hurt you?

...