How to Stop Being Socially Awkward (According to Science) with Behavioral Scientist Vanessa Van Edwards

A Bit of Optimism

The Optimism Company from Simon Sinek

Education, Business, Self-improvement, Careers

4.8 • 2.3K Ratings

🗓️ 19 May 2026

⏱️ 59 minutes

🔗️ Recording | iTunes | RSS

🧾️ Download transcript

Summary

Maybe this sounds familiar: you leave a party and spend the rest of the night convinced everyone was upset with you. Or you replay something you said in a meeting for days and second-guess every last word. Vanessa Van Edwards has been there. As a self-proclaimed "recovering awkward person," she’s spent two decades decoding the hidden dynamics of human interaction to make those skills teachable for introverts and extroverts alike. Vanessa is a behavioral researcher, bestselling author, and founder of Science of People. In her book, Conversation: How to Be Instantly Likeable in Any Interaction, she makes the case that social skills aren't a personality type, they're learnable. And she believes we are living in the most critical moment in history to start learning them. In this episode you'll learn: ➡️ Why "just be yourself" is unhelpful advice + potentially cruel ➡️ The important everyday interactions technology + AI replaced ➡️ Where to stand at a party so someone always talks to you ➡️ How to have better conversations (+ why you already have the skills) ➡️ What the real antidote to awkwardness is ➡️ How to practice micro-social skills without turning people off ➡️ Why we’re all ambiverts + how to understand ambiversion ➡️ How soft skills drive major career inflection points ➡️ The concept of social fitness + the “nutrition” of your relationships In this conversation, Vanessa lays out how even the most socially anxious among us can build real connections and become more likable… even in a world that has quietly removed all the places we used to accidentally get good at being human. And the secret isn't confidence. It's something far more generous. This… is A Bit of Optimism. + + + Watch A Bit of Optimism on Spotify, and Spotify Premium users can enjoy the show ad-free. + + + To pre-order Vanessa’s new book, Conversation: How to Be Instantly Likeable in Any Interaction, head to: https://www.scienceofpeople.com/conversation/ Want to learn more people skills from Vanessa? Check out The Science of People: https://www.scienceofpeople.com/ + + + Chapters Chapters 00:00:00 Social Skills in the Digital Age Crisis 00:01:47 Vanessa's Journey: The Accidental Social Skills Expert 00:05:45 Mistakes Everyone Makes Learning to Improve Social Skills 00:08:09 Where Did Our Places to Practice Being Human Go? 00:11:17 Where to Stand at a Party When You Don't Know Anyone 00:14:17 The Ambivert Reality: Social Fitness and Friendship Nutrition 00:18:07 The Discomfort Problem: Why Young People Avoid Rather Than Adapt 00:21:33 Put the Shoes in the Box: The Art of Knowing When to Stop 00:34:54 Intention Matches Action: Defining Authenticity 00:46:56 The Power of Being Seen: How Love Changed Everything 00:49:51 The Ultimate Social Skill: Helping Others Feel Normal 00:42:20 Micro-Social Skills: Finding the Parts of Yourself You Like + + + Simon is an unshakable optimist. He believes in a bright future and our ability to build it together. Described as “a visionary thinker with a rare intellect,” Simon has devoted his professional life to help advance a vision of the world that does not yet exist; a world in which the vast majority of people wake up every single morning inspired, feel safe wherever they are and end the day fulfilled by the work that they do. Simon is the author of multiple best-selling books including Start With Why, Leaders Eat Last, Together is Better, and The Infinite Game. + + + Website: http://simonsinek.com/ Leaderful: https://simonsinek.com/leaderful Podcast: http://apple.co/simonsinek Instagram: https://instagram.com/simonsinek/ Linkedin: https://linkedin.com/in/simonsinek/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/simonsinek Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/simonsinek

Transcript

Click on a timestamp to play from that location

0:00.0	We don't call anybody up and ask for help. You don't go to your neighbor. You don't, you know, borrow some sugar anymore.
0:05.2	We're having social struggles, social awkwardness more than we used to because there aren't the natural interactions that are forcing us to learn them.
0:13.2	Yes. I think we're in the most critical time that if we don't learn it on purpose, we never will.
0:20.0	That's so scary thought.
0:21.3	It's terrifying.
0:22.9	We are obsessed with finding the right words, saying just the right thing so we can get the job, get the girl, make a good impression.
0:31.7	Sometimes we labor over our texts.
0:34.2	Some of us can even stress for days worried if we said the right thing or not.
0:37.9	And now with AI, we're all learning to find just the perfect words exactly when we need them.
0:43.4	But there's a problem. Making human connections takes more than words. It also includes things
0:49.9	like body language, nonverbal communication.
0:55.4	And because we communicate digitally so often, we aren't practicing those skills like we used to.
1:00.9	We aren't practicing being human.
1:03.6	That's why I invited Vanessa Van Edwards onto the show.
1:06.5	She's a self-described recovering awkward person who spent 20 years studying the science of body
1:12.3	language and what actually makes people click. In her book, Conversation, How to Be Instantly
1:17.3	Likeable in any interaction, she makes the case that we can still learn the social skills we need
1:22.3	at any age. Vanessa has discovered that all that stress and inside talk that goes on when we're struggling,
1:29.0	it all goes away the second we decide to be more generous.
1:33.9	If you like this episode, please remember to subscribe for more.
1:38.5	This is a bit of optimism.
1:46.9	I always love people's journeys, how they get started into what they do.
	...

Transcript will be available on the free plan in 11 days. Upgrade to see the full transcript now.

Previous episode | Next episode

Disclaimer: The podcast and artwork embedded on this page are from The Optimism Company from Simon Sinek, and are the property of its owner and not affiliated with or endorsed by Tapesearch.

Generated transcripts are the property of The Optimism Company from Simon Sinek and are distributed freely under the Fair Use doctrine. Transcripts generated by Tapesearch are not guaranteed to be accurate.