How to Set Boundaries with Emotionally Immature People - The CLEAR Method w/ Jess Miller

Therapy in a Nutshell

Therapy in a Nutshell -Emma McAdam

Mental Health, Education, Health & Fitness:mental Health, Self-improvement, Health & Fitness

4.8 • 658 Ratings

🗓️ 17 June 2025

⏱️ 47 minutes

🔗️ Recording | iTunes | RSS

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Summary

Jess's Free download- The CLEAR Method for setting boundaries with Emotionally Immature People Join Therapy in a Nutshell’s membership and get instant access to all 10 life-changing courses, live weekly Q&As, and a supportive community for just $27/month. Learn how to manage anxiety, process trauma, regulate emotions, and build lasting resilience. Take small, powerful steps toward healing and a richer, more meaningful life. Start your journey today! https://courses.therapyinanutshell.com/membership Check out Jess's Book: Managing Overwhelming Parents & In-laws (Without Feeling Like The Bad Guy) https://bit.ly/MyBoundaryGuide In this episode, we discuss setting boundaries with emotionally immature people, who often react defensively to reasonable requests. Joined by Jess Miller, a licensed marriage and family therapist and creator of Mind Your Boundaries, we explore common patterns of behavior among emotionally immature individuals and how to manage interactions with them. Jess shares her CLEAR method (Communicate value, Limit or boundary, Explain benefit, Assurance, Repeat boundary) for effectively setting boundaries. We also dive into personal examples, including Jess’s own experience with family estrangement, and how understanding emotional limitations can help in maintaining healthier relationships. Tune in to learn actionable techniques for managing difficult family dynamics and fostering emotional growth. Looking for affordable online counseling? My sponsor, BetterHelp, connects you to a licensed professional from the comfort of your own home. Try it now for 10% off your first month: https://betterhelp.com/therapyinanutshell Learn more in one of my in-depth mental health courses: https://courses.therapyinanutshell.com Support my mission on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/therapyinanutshell Sign up for my newsletter: https://www.therapyinanutshell.com Check out my favorite self-help books: https://kit.co/TherapyinaNutshell/best-self-help-books Therapy in a Nutshell and the information provided by Emma McAdam are solely intended for informational and entertainment purposes and are not a substitute for advice, diagnosis, or treatment regarding medical or mental health conditions. Although Emma McAdam is a licensed marriage and family therapist, the views expressed on this site or any related content should not be taken for medical or psychiatric advice. Always consult your physician before making any decisions related to your physical or mental health. In therapy I use a combination of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, Systems Theory, positive psychology, and a bio-psycho-social approach to treating mental illness and other challenges we all face in life. The ideas from my videos are frequently adapted from multiple sources. Many of them come from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, especially the work of Steven Hayes, Jason Luoma, and Russ Harris. The sections on stress and the mind-body connection derive from the work of Stephen Porges (the Polyvagal theory), Peter Levine (Somatic Experiencing) Francine Shapiro (EMDR), and Bessel Van Der Kolk. I also rely heavily on the work of the Arbinger Institute for my overall understanding of our ability to choose our life's direction. And deeper than all of that, the Gospel of Jesus Christ orients my personal worldview and sense of security, peace, hope, and love https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/comeuntochrist/believe If you are in crisis, please contact the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org or 1-800-273-TALK (8255) or your local emergency services. Copyright Therapy in a Nutshell, LLC

Transcript

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0:00.0	Welcome back to another episode of the Therapy in a Nutshell podcast. I'm Emma McAdam and I'm a licensed marriage and family therapist.
0:07.0	And this podcast is all about taking the life-changing, but usually kind of complicated topics of therapy and boiling them down into simple, easy to understand concepts that you can use in your daily life.
0:19.0	If you find today's episode as helpful to you,
0:21.0	please pass it on to someone else who could benefit from it as well. Each podcast episode
0:24.8	comes from a corresponding video you can find on the Therapy in a Nutshell YouTube channel.
0:29.2	Also, these podcasts are educational and don't replace the advice or direction you may be
0:33.7	receiving from a therapist or other health professionals. Now please enjoy the episode.
0:38.3	So when you set a boundary, like the woman that didn't want her three-year-old having ice cream,
0:44.3	please don't give ice cream to her toddler, it's giving her tummy egg. The emotional,
0:47.3	immature person, they don't hear this very reasonable request. They hear, I am bad, you're a terrible grandma. I don't want to see you
0:56.7	anymore. They hear something completely different, which then makes them feel rejected. And so they're
1:02.3	going to fight you. That's where they're going to give you that sassy, snarky comment coming out of
1:06.6	left field. They're going to fool. They might just storm out or they might just stonewall you and shut down.
1:12.6	And then they move right into defense mode.
1:15.4	And this defense system is like top notch.
1:19.4	And all this stuff is happening in just milliseconds.
1:21.9	It's happening so fast.
1:24.0	And so the defense system is blame shifting, like, you're too sensitive.
1:28.9	You're controlling.
1:30.4	And it's story twisting where they make you this big, bad villain, and they're this victim.
1:37.2	So, like, you attacked me.
1:39.1	She screamed at me.
	...

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