How To Not Abandon Yourself In Dating & Relationships: What We Learned The Hard Way (So You Don't Have To)
Dateable: Your insider's look into modern dating and relationships
Yue Xu and Julie Krafchick
4.7 • 910 Ratings
🗓️ 29 May 2026
⏱️ 27 minutes
🧾️ Download transcript
Summary
We often think being a good partner means putting someone else first—but what happens when you lose yourself in the process? In this episode, we’re unpacking self-abandonment in relationships and the subtle ways people sacrifice their needs, boundaries, and identity for the sake of keeping a connection. We’re also talking about the difference between healthy compromise and losing yourself completely, why self-sacrifice can quietly turn into resentment, and the signs you may be prioritizing a relationship over your own well-being. Ultimately, we explore how maintaining your sense of self is essential to building healthy relationships—and why the strongest connections are the ones where you don’t have to abandon yourself to make them work. Enjoy!
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Transcript
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| 0:00.0 | I used to think being good at relationships meant being easygoing, being the cool girl, |
| 0:05.5 | you know, low maintenance, super understanding. And I prided myself on adapting, compromising, |
| 0:12.2 | giving people space, not asking for too much. But what I didn't realize is somewhere along |
| 0:17.5 | the way, I stopped checking whether I was abandoning myself in the process. |
| 0:22.1 | Because no one talks about this part, right? The self-abandonment rarely looks dramatic at first. |
| 0:28.2 | It looks like staying quiet when something hurts you or convincing yourself your needs are |
| 0:32.7 | too much, slowly shape-shifting into the version of yourself that feels easiest to love. So self-abandonment, |
| 0:39.9 | in the name of love, is what we're digging into today. I'm Yui. And I'm Julie. And we're sharing |
| 0:45.1 | what we learn the hard way so you don't have to. Mm, we learned this the hard way. I know we both |
| 0:51.2 | did. Self-abandement. Absolutely. I think the hardest breakups are when you realize |
| 0:58.0 | you've abandoned yourself. And how do you know you've abandoned yourself? I know that the times when |
| 1:04.2 | a relationship ends and I feel like I am super alone and I don't know who I am. That's when I know, wow, I totally lost myself in this relationship. |
| 1:14.2 | Yeah, I think for me, the one where my needs were like all or my needs were completely |
| 1:20.1 | foregone and it was basically all around this other person and, you know, we broke up and I'm |
| 1:26.4 | still thinking about them and their needs. |
| 1:28.5 | And I was like, where have I gone in all of this? |
| 1:31.3 | Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Isn't that true? I kind of felt this way reading strangers, the Bell |
| 1:40.3 | Burden book. So the entire, I mean, the book is fascinating. If you don't know, this is like |
| 1:46.1 | a bestseller right now. It's this New York heiress who finds her husband in the middle of a |
| 1:52.5 | fair who tells her he doesn't want her or the kids after a 20 year marriage. But the entire book |
| 1:59.4 | is still like, what did I do that made him leave? |
| 2:04.1 | And what was it that he was missing in this relationship? And till the end, she was still like, |
... |
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