How To Have a Fight That Actually Helps Your Relationship

How To! with Mike Pesca

Peach Fish Projects

Education, How To

4.3 • 2K Ratings

🗓️ 11 May 2021

⏱️ 31 minutes

🔗️ Recording | iTunes | RSS

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Summary

Diane feels like she's constantly picking fights with her partner Mohammed—when he forgets to grab tomatoes from the grocery store or drops the ball on planning their son's birthday party. Their conflicts are complicated by layers of cultural differences: Mohammed is a Syrian refugee, Diane is an American, and they live in the Netherlands. "He lived through a war, so I can't win any argument," says Diane, who is increasingly desperate to find a solution. On this episode of How To!, we bring on investigative journalist Amanda Ripley, author of High Conflict: Why We Get Trapped and How We Get Out. Amanda reveals that conflict can actually be good—as long as anger, and not contempt, is at its core. Drawing from her research on astronauts, gang members and politicians, Amanda coaches Diane through techniques that can help all of us have better fights.

If you liked this episode, check out: "How To Win Arguments Like a Hostage Negotiator."

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Transcript

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0:00.0	Like I can never win any argument because however bad things are for me or however grumpy I am
0:06.2	He lived through a war. So I can never win any argument if it comes down to like who has this worse
0:14.3	Welcome to how to I'm science writer David Epstein
0:18.3	conflicts in any relationship are inevitable no matter how much you love your partner or your roommate or your child
0:25.1	Ten out of ten doctors agree that relationships are smoother when you're not all stuck inside together during a global pandemic
0:31.0	We've had so many listeners right in this year about how the pandemic just amplified the spats they get into with those important people in their lives
0:38.9	Even in comparatively simple times avoiding conflict is just impossible
0:43.0	So if you have to have a fight can you actually have good ones or at least useful ones?
0:48.2	Our listener this week is desperate to find out my name is Diane. I'm an American graphic designer
0:54.4	Living and working in Amsterdam. So Diane. Could you tell us why you reached out to us?
0:59.6	I have a very unique situation. I think in which you know
1:04.4	I'm an American and the father of my sons is a Syrian refugee and we also live in a third culture
1:11.0	We end up having a lot of conflict and the way conflict is resolved in all three cultures is completely different
1:17.7	So what ends up happening is conflict is not resolved
1:22.2	Diane moved in the Netherlands 12 years ago to pursue graphic design in 2015 at the height of the Syrian crisis
1:28.4	She started volunteering with refugees and that's when she met Mohammed
1:33.2	We just ended up falling in love and
1:36.2	Yeah, what can you do when you end up falling in love with somebody except we're just given
1:42.0	So can you tell us what is Mohammed like? He's a very charming charming person
1:47.6	He's a lot of fun to be around. He really is very extroverted
1:52.2	Mohammed escaped Syria with his now nine-year-old son who Diane raises as her own and then a little while after they got together
1:58.7	The two of them had another son. He's now four and raising young kids. They can be wonderful
	...

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