One subject I have found super interesting for many years is attachment theory. It points out

the way that we bond with romantic partners and others is really shaped by our early relationships

with parents and other primary caregivers. And there are basically, give or take, three main

attachment types, secure, anxious,

and avoidant. Listen to the full episode, which I'll link to in the show notes for a deep dive on

this, but I tend to be somewhat avoidant. My wife, anxious, in relationship terms at least.

Now, there is what's known as the anxious avoidant trap, which suggests that anxious

and avoidant types are drawn together like moths to a flame, but once they get locked in,

the relationship supposedly becomes toxic. But I want to challenge that because it hasn't been

a trap for Alex and me because we agreed to do the work and step towards the discomfort early in our relationship.

And then an anxious avoidant relationship can actually be a guilt-edged opportunity for growth.

And then that reminds me of the famous Eckhart Tolle quote, which goes as follows.

If I accept my relationships are here to make me conscious instead of happy,

then my relationships become

a wonderful self-mastery tool that keeps realigning me with my higher purpose for living.

I love this and you are absolutely right. In all my clinical experience, the best couples, the most

fun I've ever had really even working with couples is when they come in, one is anxious, one's avoiding. Oh, Adam, you don't understand. He doesn't care about my feelings at all. He just doesn't care. That's not true. I care a lot. I think about your stupid feelings every day all the time. I've tried to help you. I just don't understand them. You have too many of them. Well, how could you say that? Right. And they're like, they're on edge. But you can see that the real division between them is that they don't get it. They don't get it. And if you can help them understand it, everything starts to click. And I will say this, avoidant men as demonized as they are. When you show them what real love and intimacy feels like

nobody else on the planet is quite as protective of that relationship then as an avoidant

man who knows what it's like to live without love who values it so tremendously like you

become their one true love on this planet because you're the only

person they've ever felt that connection with.

And their circle of protection extends to you where night and day they think about caring

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