How to Find Common Ground With Your Most Problematic Family Members

Matter of Opinion

New York Times Opinion

Society & Culture, Ross Douthat, News, New York Times, Journalism

4.2 • 7.2K Ratings

🗓️ 24 November 2021

⏱️ 38 minutes

🔗️ Recording | iTunes | RSS

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Summary

It’s holiday time again, and this year feels different. Unlike the shelter-in-place aesthetic of 2020’s holiday celebrations, many people are now vaccinated and hoping to take part in the sort of family and friend events that are more reminiscent of the prepandemic time. With that warmth and community, we all may find ourselves in another seasonal tradition: getting into an argument with people over the dinner table. Maybe it’s a longstanding rivalry with a cousin, or a nosy aunt asking about your biological clock — or perhaps the uniquely 2020-2021 disagreements over masking, vaxxing and who actually won the election. Whatever your flavor of argument, host Jane Coaston and special guest Dylan Marron are here to help. Gleaning tips and advice from Dylan’s podcast and forthcoming book of the same name, “Conversations With People Who Hate Me,” Jane and Dylan lay out how to engage empathetically with the people who disagree with you, and how to avoid classic pitfalls that keep the discussion from being productive.

Transcript

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0:00.0	Today on the argument, how to have tough conversations with the people you love.
0:16.6	Once again, the holidays are upon us, and this year's a little bit of a weird one.
0:22.0	We're still under the cloud of the pandemic, but unlike last year, a lot of us are vaccinated,
0:28.0	which could mean that many of us are planning to maybe gather with other people to celebrate
0:31.6	the holidays this year.
0:33.0	And while I pray you have the kind of idyllic, non-argumentative gathering that only
0:37.2	seems to exist in sitcoms and urban rockwell paintings, one way or another, you might
0:41.5	find yourself in an argument.
0:43.8	It might not even be about politics.
0:46.2	Maybe it's about what you're wearing, who you married, what you're eating.
0:51.3	I'm Jane Kostin, and here on the argument, we know a thing or two about having productive
0:55.7	conversations between people who disagree with each other, a little, or a lot.
1:01.1	And to help you survive and thrive this holiday, I'm bringing in the guy who literally wrote
1:05.4	the book on talking to people who disagree with him.
1:08.7	Dylan Marin hosts the podcast, Conversations with People Who Hate Me, where he talks to
1:13.2	people who hate him, and who he's not a huge fan of either.
1:17.4	It's more difficult to come out as not a liberalist than it is to come out and gain nowadays.
1:22.8	Mm-hmm. As a member of the LGBT community, I would disagree, but I'm also not a member
1:29.9	of the right-leaning community, so I've never had to tearfully tell my parents that I
1:36.7	identify as right-leaning.
1:39.9	You know?
1:43.2	After a dozens of these conversations, Dylan's become the expert in dealing with the worst
	...

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