Hi, this is Janet Landsbury. Welcome to Unruffold. This week I'm going to be answering a question

I received via email. The subject line is stoic disobedience.

Here's what this parent writes. Janet, I feel like I have a set of tools with which to

handle my four-year-old daughter's outburst of emotions. But I'm at a loss for what to

do when she stoically disobeyed or ignores me altogether. For example, the other day we were

at the store and she picked up a bracelet off of the shelf and asked to have it. I explained calmly

and confidently that we were not going to buy it and asked her to put it back. She simply refused.

She did not throw a tantrum. She just continued to hold the bracelet and say, no, I racked my

brain for how to get her to put it back. It seemed that anything I said was being met with a simple

no. And I knew that trying to take it out of her hands would reinforce both of our feelings of

anger. We stood there for several minutes. I summoned all of my patients in hope that she would

magically decide to put it back if I just calmly and confidently waited. But after an employee asked

if we needed help, I realized that we could not stand off in this store aisle all day.

So I used a method that I almost always end up using and which works maybe 75% of the time.

I need you to put the bracelet back on the count of three or I will put it back for you.

And after counting, I tried to take it from her, but she only clung to it harder, which meant

I felt even angrier. And now I was worried about hurting her fingers or damaging the bracelet.

But I was out of ideas, so I pulled it from her hands and put it on the shelf. I felt awful and

embarrassed because I played tug of war with a small child and one. It was almost a relief when

she started to cry because I know how to accept her feelings and sportscast them to her. And I could

do it while walking out of the store. I really dislike physically engaging with my daughter when either

of us is angry or annoyed because I know that taking something out of her hands or picking her

...