How Quickly Does Their Problem Become Yours? Ditch Auto-Accommodating and Stay in Your Lane with Terri Cole

Self-Helpless

Cloud10

Comedy, Science, Alternative Health, Health & Fitness, Education

4.8 • 3K Ratings

🗓️ 20 October 2025

⏱️ 43 minutes

🔗️ Recording | iTunes | RSS

🧾️ Download transcript

Summary

Delanie Fischer chats with licensed psychotherapist Terri Cole about high-functioning codependency (HFC) and how to set healthy boundaries to prevent burn out, resentment, and feeling underappreciated. They explore signs like auto advice-giving, auto-accommodating, and keeping the peace at all costs, and uncover why many try to control others unknowingly. Terri shares actionable tools for shifting these over-functioning behaviors to let go of what’s not your responsibility—freeing up your time and energy while empowering those around you. Discussed in this episode: Busting The Biggest Codependency Myth Hyper-Independence and Anticipatory Planning Auto Advice-Giving and The Auto-Yes Taking Your Resentment Inventory Let Them Be The Hero of Their Story Escaping the Cult of Nice 5 Scripts for Setting New Boundaries How To Identify a Transference Primary vs. Secondary Gain 8 Questions to Ask Before You Fix or Rescue --- If Self-Helpless has supported you, a quick 5-star rating or review (if you haven’t already) means so much! ⁠https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/self-helpless/id1251196416⁠ Free goodies including The Quote Buffet and The Watch & Read List: ⁠https://www.selfhelplesspodcast.com/⁠ Ad-free episodes now available on ⁠Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/selfhelpless⁠ Your Host, Delanie Fischer:⁠ https://www.delaniefischer.com⁠ ---- Episodes related to this topic: What If You Did The Opposite Action Today? with Dr. Luana Marquez: ⁠https://www.delaniefischer.com/selfhelplesspodcast/episode/273fa5be/self-helpless-snack-what-if-you-did-the-opposite-action-today-with-dr-luana-marquez⁠ 7 Shocking Truths About Codependency And Addiction with Heidi Rain: https://www.delaniefischer.com/selfhelplesspodcast/episode/24c74079/7-shocking-truths-about-codependency-and-addiction-with-heidi-rain The Real Reason Women Don't Trust Themselves With Money (And How They Actually Spend It): ⁠https://www.delaniefischer.com/selfhelplesspodcast/episode/20bc245f/self-helpless-snack-the-real-reason-women-dont-trust-themselves-with-money-and-how-they-actually-spend-it⁠ Exposing False Choices, Narratives, and Pulling Wisdom From Wounds with Dr. Thema Bryant: https://www.delaniefischer.com/selfhelplesspodcast/episode/26cdb69d/exposing-false-choices-narratives-and-pulling-wisdom-from-wounds-with-dr-thema-bryant Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Transcript

Click on a timestamp to play from that location

0:00.0	Hey, I'm dating coach Tali Karan, host of Dating Intentionally, where I help listeners date with confidence and learn to enjoy the process, whether you're new to the dating scene or you've been at it for a while.
0:12.9	Tune in every Tuesday and Friday for my no-nonsense advice on using dating apps and navigating new relationships without letting your anxiety take over.
0:20.6	You can find dating intentionally
0:21.9	wherever you get your podcasts. Responsible for fixing other people's problems. Giving till it hurts,
0:28.4	right? Going above and beyond. A lot of times we're doing things that no one has asked us to do,
0:32.9	but we're doing it because we feel like it needs to be done or we would like it to have been done
0:37.0	for us.
0:38.0	I'm always ready to jump into damage control mode with other people, right? If there's a crisis,
0:42.3	people know who to come to. Feeling exhausted, resentful, kind of underappreciated. A lot of times
0:49.9	we go above and beyond that. If other people don't, even if someone hasn't asked us to do that
0:54.9	thing, if they are not sufficiently grateful in our minds, we're kind of like this. We feel
1:00.5	underappreciated. The irony is that the more high functioning you are, the less codependency,
1:07.6	looks like codependency. The reason why I even coined this term and then wrote a whole book about it
1:12.2	is that in my therapy practice, I had a whole bunch of extremely capable women. I am an extremely
1:20.1	capable woman myself. So I feel like, you know, we teach what we most need to learn most of the time.
1:26.4	And so if I would talk to my therapy clients and say, hey, what you're describing, this is a
1:30.9	codependent pattern.
1:32.2	They would immediately reject the notion because they're like, I'm not dependent on squat, lady.
1:38.6	Everyone's dependent on me.
1:40.2	I'm making all the money.
1:41.5	I'm doing all the emotional labor.
1:43.8	I'm making all the moves. I'm doing all the emotional labor. I'm making all the moves.
	...

Please login to see the full transcript.

Previous episode | Next episode

Disclaimer: The podcast and artwork embedded on this page are from Cloud10, and are the property of its owner and not affiliated with or endorsed by Tapesearch.

Generated transcripts are the property of Cloud10 and are distributed freely under the Fair Use doctrine. Transcripts generated by Tapesearch are not guaranteed to be accurate.