How Many Positive Comments Does it Take So I Can Say Something Mean?

The Virtual Couch

Tony Overbay LMFT

Education, Mental Health, Health & Fitness, Self-improvement

5 • 643 Ratings

🗓️ 18 May 2021

⏱️ 42 minutes

🔗️ Recording | iTunes | RSS

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Summary

You've been patient, you've praised, but at what point can you finally let someone know how you really feel? Tony talks about Gottman's "The Magic Relationship Ratio According to Science" of positive to negative interactions during conflict https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-magic-relationship-ratio-according-science/ as well as Gottman's 4 Horseman principal (Criticism, Content, Defensiveness and Stonewalling) https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/ Please subscribe to The Virtual Couch YouTube channel at https://www.youtube.com/c/TheVirtualCouchPodcast/ (https://www.youtube.com/c/TheVirtualCouchPodcast/) and follow The Virtual Couch on Instagram https://www.instagram.com/virtualcouch/ (https://www.instagram.com/virtualcouch/) This episode of The Virtual Couch is sponsored by http://betterhelp.com/virtualcouch (http://betterhelp.com/virtualcouch) With the continuing “sheltering” rules that are spreading across the country PLEASE do not think that you can’t continue or begin therapy now. http://betterhelp.com/virtualcouch (http://betterhelp.com/virtualcouch) can put you quickly in touch with licensed mental health professionals who can meet through text, email, or videoconference often as soon as 24-48 hours. And if you use the link http://betterhelp.com/virtualcouch (http://betterhelp.com/virtualcouch) you will receive 10% off your first month of services. Please make your own mental health a priority, http://betterhelp.com/virtualcouch (http://betterhelp.com/virtualcouch)offers affordable counseling, and they even have sliding scale options if your budget is tight. Tony's FREE parenting course, “Tips For Parenting Positively Even In the Not So Positive Times” is available NOW. Just go to https://www.tonyoverbay.com/courses-2/ (https://www.tonyoverbay.com/courses-2/)and sign up today. This course will help you understand why it can be so difficult to communicate with and understand your children. You’ll learn how to keep your buttons hidden, how to genuinely give praise that will truly build inner wealth in your child, teen, or even in your adult children, and you’ll learn how to move from being “the punisher” to being someone your children will want to go to when they need help.Tony's new best-selling book "He's a Porn Addict...Now What? An Expert and a Former Addict Answer Your Questions" is now available on Kindle. https://amzn.to/38mauBoTony Overbay, is the co-author of "He's a Porn Addict...Now What? An Expert and a Former Addict Answer Your Questions" now available on Amazon https://amzn.to/33fk0U4 (https://amzn.to/33fk0U4). The book debuted in the number 1 spot in the Sexual Health Recovery category and remains there as the time of this record. The book has received numerous positive reviews from professionals in the mental health and recovery fields.You can learn more about Tony's pornography recovery program The Path Back by visiting http://pathbackrecovery.com (http://pathbackrecovery.com) And visit http://tonyoverbay.com (http://tonyoverbay.com) and sign up to receive updates on upcoming programs, and podcasts.Tony mentioned a product that he used to take out all of the "uh's" and "um's" that, in his words, "must be created by wizards and magic!" because it's that good! To learn more about Descript click here https://descript.com?lmref=v95myQ (https://descript.com?lmref=v95myQ)

Transcript

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0:00.0	Okay, so let me take you back just a few nights ago. My wife and I are heading out to our car.
0:05.1	We're going to go home from my son's high school basketball game. And we're about 30 minutes away and one of my daughter's calls.
0:10.6	And you can tell there is panic in her voice. Dad, mom, something really bad has happened.
0:15.9	And if you ever experienced this as a parent, you will know that your mind immediately goes to worst case scenario.
0:20.8	Somebody is hurt. They're hurt bad or a million other things pop instantly into your head.
0:25.1	And so we say, Mackey, anybody hurts? Everybody okay? And she says, no, no, no. And we ease up just a tiny bit.
0:31.3	So we press on. What is it? And my wife and I are still just staring at the phone.
0:36.3	On another note, one of the kids these days moments, apparently for many, a phone call is a video call.
0:41.8	How are you supposed to just talk if you can't see the person?
0:43.7	But that is for another podcast on another day.
0:46.0	But she finally says, there's a snake in the pool and I'm freaked out.
0:50.2	So I relax a little bit, sit back in my seat, and I start driving home. And I know that my wife will now be the manager of emotions for the next 30 minutes.
0:58.3	My daughter had a cousin over, and we both families just got these new puppies.
1:02.3	They were playing in the backyard when they spotted this slithery snake to swimming in the pool.
1:06.9	And so for the next 30 minutes, we went through the rounds of empathy and how hard that must be in positive comments.
1:11.6	I'm really proud of the way that you're handling this of trying to provide a little bit of a riverbank to her rushing waters of emotions.
1:17.7	You know, you're fine.
1:18.6	The snake won't jump out of the pool, just hang tight.
1:21.1	To which she Googled if snakes can jump out of pools.
1:23.7	And apparently we were right.
1:24.7	They can't.
1:25.4	Or in theory, they can't. And in a simple exchange,
	...

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