How Letting Things Fall Apart Can Actually Help

Love Over Addiction

Michelle Anderson

Society & Culture, Wifeofanalcoholic, Codependency, Relationships, Recovery, Alanon

4.8 • 1.5K Ratings

🗓️ 8 December 2019

⏱️ 6 minutes

🔗️ Recording | iTunes | RSS

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Summary

For years I played the role of the fixer and mender. I held it all together. I was the glue. Without me, my ex-husband and his addiction would fall apart.

I thought if I could just run around and excuse his behavior, clean up the messes, hide the evidence, fib to his boss, it would all be okay eventually.

Can you relate?

Well, I was wrong.

Once I learned what I should actually be doing, I dropped that exhausting role of trying to be the glue.

Instead, I let it all go. I let it all fall apart. Everything. I stopped fixing. I stopped lying for him. I stopped covering. I stopped downplaying.

And here’s the thing: it actually helped. I know, that may sound crazy, especially if you’re in the thick of playing this fixer role.

Listen to find out how letting it all fall apart can be the most helpful thing you could do for your partner (and yourself).

Find more: https://loveoveraddiction.com/letting-things-fall-apart/

Join us: https://loveoveraddiction.com/

Connect: https://www.instagram.com/love_over_addiction/

Transcript

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0:00.0	You're listening to the Love Over Addiction Podcast. When I was married to a good man suffering from addiction I was convinced that if I just got him to admit he has a problem with drinking
0:27.6	we would be on the path to recovery. After I dropped off the kids at school I would get a cup of coffee and spend the morning reading all the latest research on addiction.
0:38.0	The more I became educated about this disease the more quote prepared I was the next time he got
0:47.6	wasted. When he woke up from his evening of indulgence I was waiting at the foot of the bed to lecture him and impress
0:55.8	him with statistics and innovative ways to get sober.
1:00.2	My intentions were good.
1:02.1	I loved this man deeply and when he was sober he was so loving and talented and funny.
1:08.5	I wanted that guy around all the time. I had to save my family. I had to help us recover and live happily ever after.
1:19.9	But there was something wrong with my thinking.
1:22.6	Can you point it out?
1:24.2	Those of you who have been in our secret Facebook group
1:27.0	and taken our courses can probably answer.
1:30.3	The problem with my thinking was that I took on his sobriety as my job.
1:36.0	I said if I just got him to admit he had a problem.
1:41.0	There is a huge difference between admitting they have an issue and actually
1:46.0	working hard to fix it. It's not my responsibility to get him to admit anything
1:52.0	and it's not yours either.
1:55.0	Let's say for years you tried to convince them that they had a problem.
1:59.0	You begged them to consider abstinence and let's say they actually did admit they might have an issue.
2:08.0	A lot of our loved ones admit they have an issue just to get us off their back. They think that all our
2:16.0	pestering will go away if they tell us what we want to hear. They have zero
2:21.2	intention of trying to get a sober.
	...

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