Everybody needs a toilet. We all got to go. Even Presbyterians use the bathroom occasionally, despite what they may tell you.

So there's one particular country that I'm thinking of, which will remain nameless, logically decided everyone ought to own their own toilet.

We will be a nation of toilet owners. It's not enough to just have access to a urinal.

What do you want, a nation of renters? Like the French? A bunch of hairy dudes stuffing coins into a pay

toilet on the street like a surf? You don't want that. Man owns his own toilet. He's invested in his

neighborhood. He has a sense of permanency and

interaction and obligation to the greater plumbing structure of his community. A renter, they might

flush sanitary objects or baby alligators maybe down a toilet that they don't own. But a toilet

owner would never do that. They've got

skin in the game. They would not flood their own sewer with baby alligators. So this particular

country said, we're going to do everything we can to make toilet ownership affordable for the

average man. Here's what we'll do. If you've never owned a toilet before, we will subsidize your

toilet loan. And we'll really subsidize that loan if you're a veteran. But hold on,

wait, there's more. You can deduct toilet payments from your income taxes. And finally,

we will exclude you from capital gain taxes on toilet resales of up to a quarter of a million

dollars.

Well, what did that do, friends?

That capital gains tax exemption.

It turned toilets into something new entirely.

Previously, commodes were a commodity.

Now, thanks to the tax code, they became an investment.

And people began to realize, wait a minute, I'm putting all of my money into toilet equity.

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