How do I deal with a fatphobic friend?

Mary's Cup of Tea: the Self Love Podcast for Women

Mary Jelkovsky

Self-love, Body-image, Mental Health, Body Image, Relationships, Women's Health, Self Love, Advice For Women, Self Love For Women, Love Yourself, Education, Society & Culture, Health & Fitness, Self-improvement

4.8 • 721 Ratings

🗓️ 23 January 2025

⏱️ 26 minutes

🔗️ Recording | iTunes | RSS

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Summary

(Trigger Warning: Talk of EDs & Fatphobia) Dear Mary, How do I navigate friendship with a very fatphobic and generally-judgmental friend? She is someone I met when I had anorexia. A lot of what we bonded over was the understanding of restrictive eating, because she had struggled with that as well. She is former military and has a lot of military influences to the way she views health and fitness, as well as having parents who engrained fatphobia into her. They would literally sit in the car outside grocery stores and make fun of fat people leaving(not to their faces). Her views and the vocalization of them hurt my soul, they are not an outlook on other people I have ever had, nor would want to have. She talks about these things pretty frequently. A lot of the things she says I would never want my younger sister hearing because I don't want those hurtful views in her head. I know you wonder, this person sounds awful, why do you have this friend? She is in many ways a wonderful person and a good friend. She is thoughtful, she and I just click in many ways, she is giving and loving to the people close to her, I could go on about qualities I love. But lately my feelings toward her are not good. I don't want to be around her because inevitably she will end up saying some things that really bum me out. I want her to be a lifelong friend, I want to be there for her for anything, I want to babysit her kids...but I would never want her views to be shared with mine. How do I talk to her about this? Though we challenge each other's views pretty often and are used to confrontation, she is not looking to change her mind on this. For months now I have been avoiding spending as much time around her. Neither of us have many other friends...she is a treasured person for me. What's your advice on keeping or losing a friend because of this? If you enjoyed this Dear Mary episode, share and tag @maryspodcast on social media! Get Mary’s self-love books: The Gift of Self-Love, an interactive workbook that will help you build confidence, recognize your worth, and learn to finally love yourself. 100 Days of Self-Love, a guided journal with 100 prompts to help you calm self-criticism and learn to love who you are.

Transcript

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0:00.0	Welcome to Mary's Cup of Tea, the self-love podcast for women, though all self-lovers are welcome here.
0:07.3	I'm your host, Mary Jolkovsky. I'm an author, speaker, retreat leader, and all-around self-love advocate.
0:14.3	And this is the podcast that will inspire you to love yourself.
0:20.2	Trigger warning, there is talk of fat phobia and eating disorders in this podcast episode.
0:27.4	Dear Mary, first, I want to thank you for the work that you do. I found your page when I was
0:32.3	17 and I'm 25 now. At that time, I was coming out of high school was extremely athletic and struggled with binge
0:38.6	restrict eating and fighting so hard to leave it behind. Now here I am in later stage recovery,
0:44.3	finally finding peace. Your page and podcast have been a small source of connection, education,
0:49.4	and inspiration for me throughout. So thank you. It takes a lot to build what you've built
0:53.7	and I feel like I watched
0:54.6	it happen since 2017. Wow. On to the question. Basically, how do I navigate friendship with a very
1:02.6	fatphobic and generally judgmental friend? She is someone I met when I had anorexia. A lot of what we
1:09.1	bonded over was the understanding of restrictive
1:11.2	eating because she had struggled with that as well. She as former military and has a lot of military
1:16.4	influences to the way she views health and fitness, as well as having parents who ingrained
1:20.9	fat phobia into her. They would literally sit in the car outside grocery stores and make fun
1:26.2	of fat people leaving, not to their faces.
1:29.3	Her views and the vocalization of them hurt my soul, and they are not an outlook on other people
1:33.7	I've ever had, nor would want to have. She talks about these things pretty frequently.
1:38.6	A lot of the things she says I would never want my younger sister hearing because I don't
1:42.4	want those hurtful views in her head.
1:44.9	I know you wonder, this person sounds awful. Why do you have this friend? She is in many ways a
	...

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