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Thank you. Thank you. Yeah, I missed me too.

Good evening, everyone.

So a second earthquake in two days has hit New Jersey.

People are asking one man to please stop using his trampoline.

Yesterday, President Trump jokingly said he's ready to install nuclear missiles on the White House roof.

And why not?

Under the same roof, they just had four years of nuclear waste.

A man purchased the original Birken handbag from 1984 for $10 million,

tying ABC's record for most money spent on an old bag.

President Trump said he wonders if Jasmine Crockett is related to the late great Davy Crockett.

He's not far off.

One fought in the Alamo and the other should work at Alamo.

Michelle Obama wished her husband Barack a happy 64th birthday and said he's quote,

the coolest guy I know.

Right back at you, he said.

I don't get it.

A new study says running after dinner can improve erectile dysfunction.

Yeah, especially if you're running from this.

A naked man wearing nothing but a black gimp mask in sneakers was caught on video prowling the streets of a quiet town in England.

You know, maybe I'm getting old,

...