Go to Bed Angry (#344)

Religion on the Mind

Religion, Spirituality, Religion & Spirituality

4.7 • 542 Ratings

🗓️ 21 August 2025

⏱️ 33 minutes

🔗️ Recording | iTunes | RSS

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Summary

My 42nd birthday sale is LIVE! Join as an Annual Member of my Patreon to get 42% off through September 1 and enjoy ad-free access to Patron-exclusive content like this! In today’s bonus episode, team member Joy Vetterlein and I tackle what might be the most commonly given piece of marriage advice at wedding receptions: "don't go to bed angry." After seeing comedian Leanne Morgan flip this conventional wisdom on its head during a Colbert appearance, we dive into why this advice became so popular in mid-20th century America through the "infection model" of marital conflict, explore what modern neuroscience tells us about arguing while dysregulated (hint: your prefrontal cortex isn't working very well at a 7+ on the anger scale), and discover that the original biblical verse this advice comes from had absolutely nothing to do with marriage. I share my practical "rule of sevens" for knowing when to table an argument, and confess to being the type of person who will hijack wedding videographers to give counter-programming relationship advice. In the Patreon portion, Joy and I get personal about our own marriages, including her revelation about needing to give herself permission to consider divorce in order to truly choose her marriage, and we explore a 7th-century monk's surprisingly modern insights about anger as spiritual energy. ___________________________________________ Follow Dan on IG: www.instagram.com/dancoke/ Or Twitter: twitter.com/DanKoch Faith deconstruction resources: www.soyouredeconstructing.com/ Join the Patreon for exclusive episodes (and more) every month: patreon.com/dankoch Email about the "sliding scale" for the Patreon: youhavepermissionpodcast@gmail.com YHP Patron-only FB group: tinyurl.com/ycvbbf98 Website: www.dankochwords.com/yhp.html Join Dan's email list: www.dankochwords.com/ Artwork by sprungle.co/ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Transcript

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0:00.0	All right, welcome back, everybody, to a special Thursday episode of You Have
0:10.5	Permission, the show that aims to take both Christianity and the modern world of
0:13.7	science and culture, very seriously. Today, I guess we are, we're definitely taking science seriously. We're going to talk about kind of, I guess it's psychological science.
0:26.9	Couples, couples therapy stuff is on the edge. I think the Gottman's, who I will mention, do science. But not, it's not always strictly speaking. we're not talking about chemistry or anything like
0:39.3	that today but uh that voice on the other line that's joy better line our own joy thanks for
0:44.1	thanks for being here with me thanks for having me back dan so i'm excited about this episode but just a
0:50.4	little housekeeping up top so we are still running for just a few more days,
0:54.8	the August special. It's 42% off an annual subscription to the show on Patreon. If you go to
1:02.0	patreon.com slash Dan Coke and you check out and you use the promo code birthday, you'll get that
1:08.1	42% off in honor of my 42nd birthday. And that expires at the end of August.
1:14.7	We always do about 15% off the annual subscription. That's just kind of like a, hey, thanks for
1:19.4	committing to more, you know, longer support. But this is almost tripled, basically, that
1:25.0	that discount. And, you know, i'm just feeling so generous that's
1:29.2	the only reason that we're doing it it's just out of just insane generosity of my heart which never
1:34.8	runs dry uh no obviously um you're so excited for i'm excited for i can't wait i can't wait to get
1:42.0	further into my 40s joy isn. Isn't that how everybody feels?
1:45.7	Yeah. I'm like five months older than you. And let me tell you, you're in store for a treat.
1:53.7	What if our entire, our entire friendship is a reverse of the It Gets Better campaign for queer youth. and it's just you five months in the future telling me it gets slightly worse.
2:05.4	It's just like, yeah.
2:07.5	Every five months, slightly worse.
2:09.8	How far do you have to hold something to read it with your eyes?
2:13.7	Because five months from now, add a couple inches.
	...

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