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Welcome to Ambridge on the couch, an in-depth look at the archers with me, Jeff Thomas, Lucy Freeman, Matt Rodriguez Payne and James Everett.

Now, before we make a start on your emails, let's have a recap of what happened this week in Ambridge.

We began the week listening to Lillian Paul and Jazz

are waffled on about cantering on or running away, as Georgie prefers to call it.

Your horse is our horse has been picked as the slogan,

which makes it sound as though they're nicking them,

and Paul is judging the children's horse and ride a fancy dress competition. Oh, Paul,

never, ever judge a children's competition. Never, because you see you're not judging the children,

you're judging the parents. And these are posh, rich parents with horses who have plumped for a Harry Potter theme and have been up

since 3am, crimping a four-year-old's hair to look like Hermione and trying to teach a Chetland

pony to play Quidditch. Also, lessons for Will and Emma. If a young man is being quiet in his

bedroom, do not ever burst in there without knocking

for your sake and for his.

However, if anyone deserves a bit of humiliation, it is Georgie, not least because he refers

to harassment and his fellow group of bumbling incompetence as the feds.

Anyway, he went on the run like Lord Lucan in Wellies, and while he was away, Emma got her GSE English literature and failed to enjoy it, thanks to Georgie running a mock with Uncle Clive, who reappeared in the village entirely as normal, but seemingly wearing a Kate Aldridge face mask and talking about lentils and energy.

Someone's made a complaint about Alistair. Who was it? One of you? All of you? My money is on Lavinia, writhing with impotent jealousy that Denise is getting a bit of that rubber glove action and her schnautzer's missing out. Turns out, Don James is gay and is in a relationship with Doug Lovell. And for some reason, I found this hugely surprising.

I don't know why.

...