Hi, you're listening to Small Things Often from the Gottman Institute, where we talk you through

research-based tips to help improve your relationships in five minutes or less.

Today's tip is about flooding and feeling overwhelmed. Has this ever happened to you? You're in

the middle of a discussion with your partner. Things become a bit heated, but still calm.

Then, out of seemingly nowhere, they say something that triggers you. And suddenly you're having an out-of-body experience.

Your breath gets short and you start to tremble. Or maybe your heart feels like it's pounding out of your

chest and tears start rolling down your cheeks. You try to focus, but oh my God, how can you? Your mind is overwhelmed with

rage or hurt or panic or fear. And now you're saying things to your partner that are hurtful,

and maybe even have nothing to do with the subject you were discussing. You're wildly lashing out,

defending yourself and attacking them. And you don't know why or how to stop it. What's happening to you?

Well, actually, it's a response that's as old as existence itself. When human beings face

conflict or danger, an alarm goes off in the body called the fight or flight or freeze response,

and a physiological reaction takes place. Adrenaline levels begin to soar and flood the body until

it's in a heightened state, enabling you to quickly react to life-threatening situations. In primitive times,

this action could have occurred because a bear was chasing you. In today's world, it could be

because your partner criticized your house cleaning abilities. But whatever the reason, your body still responds

to stressors as though that bear is chasing you. By this time, you may have stormed out of the room,

shut down the conversation, and started giving your partner the silent treatment. Or maybe you're

still standing in the middle of the kitchen lashing out. Either way, this is not productive,

and only prolongs the conflict. So how do you get back on track?

Here are a few suggestions. Make a commitment to yourself that the next time you feel flooded or

overwhelmed, you'll try to self-soothe on the spot. Calm your body by focusing on your breath,

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