The oldest stories ever told are written in the stars.

Stories of time before man and gods when titans ruled the earth.

The titans were powerful, but their reign was ended by their own sons.

Zeus, Poseidon, and Hades.

Zeus convinced his brother Hades to create a beast so strong

that could defeat their parents.

And from his own flesh, Hades gave birth to an unspeakable horror.

The Cracken. The Cades gave birth to an unspeakable horror.

The Cracken.

They're just trying to kill us. I'm not getting on it.

This is Filmsack. Oh, sure. Oh, sure.

Oh, sure.

Well, hello, everybody, and welcome to Film Sack. This is Film Sack episode 693, continually mining the very depths of film entertainment for all mankind. I am Scott Johnson, joined today by Brian. Zeus is still pissed at him for dumping that huge statue of him in the fish water done away.

Well, you shouldn't have stepped on my foot. Oh, hi. This week on Film Sack, we tell Zeus and the other little G's in the sky to go suck it.

Then we push his giant stone likeness into the sea minus his sandaled feet and very nearly kill a family on a boat like some kind of monolithic mythological Boston Tea Party going wrong.

But worry not for underworld, dweller, and minor lung, halitosa

sufferer, Hades, will come back and take care of them with a remake of the Clash of the Titans

that nobody asked for, but thought everything including the clockwork owl and 3D glasses

were cool, as was the style at the time. Complete with fecal matter, smear, and pink eye for your viewing displeasure.

Crappling this movie, not all the glasses.

Anywho, the oldest stories ever told are written in the stars.

You know the ones where you live in a houseboat and you sleep in a totally normal single

...