Feel Better About Asking For Help

The Science of Happiness

PRX and Greater Good Science Center

Science, Social Sciences

4.4 • 1.9K Ratings

🗓️ 28 April 2022

⏱️ 19 minutes

🔗️ Recording | iTunes | RSS

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Summary

Episode summary:

Emanuel Hahn has never been great at asking for help. He didn’t live with his parents after age 12, and consequently, he says he learned to only rely on himself. But now that he’s launching his first book and juggling a freelance career, he knows he can’t do it all on his own. He tried our Ask for Help at Work practice, which challenges you to make a direct request when you need a hand from someone.

Emanuel had to pack 800 pre-ordered books into boxes for shipping. It’s a laborious task, and he knew he couldn’t handle it all on his own. It was a Sunday, and people probably already had plans. He took a beat, and then he sent the texts out anyway. Before long, he had eight people packing books. **
**
Vanessa Bohns of Cornell University has studied exactly what Emanuel experienced: When it comes to asking for help, we underestimate how likely others are to say “yes” to our request. But when we put ourselves in the shoes of a person being asked for help, it’s hard to imagine saying “no.”

“People do get this warm glow from helping,” Bohns says. “People enjoy being helpful.”

This Happiness Practice might benefit you as much as the person you ask.

Try this week’s practice, Ask for Help at Work at GGIA.berkeley.edu

Today’s guests:

Emanuel Hahn is a freelance photographer and director in Los Angeles. He just released his first book, Koreatown Dreaming, which documents 40 small businesses in LA’s Koreatown as they weather the pandemic and encroaching gentrification. He joins us today after trying a practice where he makes a commitment to ask for help whenever he needs it.

Follow Emanuel on Twitter and Instagram.

Vanessa Bohns is an associate professor of social psychology at Cornell University and the author of the book You Have More Influence Than You Think. She did an experiment to see why it’s so hard for people to ask for help.

Follow Vanessa Bohns on Twitter.

More resources from The Greater Good Science Center:

How Love and Connection Exist in Micro-Moments

Is Stress Making You Withdraw from People?

Try Our One-Month Pathway to Happiness Program

Tell us about your experiences and struggles with asking for help by emailing us at [email protected] or using the hashtag #happinesspod.

Help us share The Science of Happiness!

Copy and share this link: pod.link/1340505607

Transcript

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0:00.0	I didn't grow up with my parents starting from age 12.
0:11.2	And I think because my parents weren't around, I just didn't have the habit of asking
0:16.7	for things.
0:17.7	And so whenever I needed something, or if I encountered a challenge, I would try to solve
0:23.0	it on my own.
0:24.8	And on one hand, it made me extremely independent and resourceful, because I could kind of figure
0:29.1	out things on my own.
0:31.1	But it also kind of made me wary.
0:34.8	It just didn't give me that habit of asking for help when I needed them.
0:40.0	And my default with any situation would just be like, oh, I can do this on my own.
0:44.2	I can figure it out.
0:45.7	And then I think maybe sort of related part to that is like this idea that if you're
0:49.8	asking for something, you're burdening them, because they have to take time out of their
0:53.7	day and effort and resources to help you.
0:58.9	And I think, again, with the whole sort of independent mindset, I think I just didn't
1:04.8	want to burden people.
1:06.8	And maybe to a certain extent also was kind of like, why would they help me?
1:10.9	Like, why do I deserve to be helped?
1:15.7	There's a lot of vulnerability when it comes to asking for help.
1:19.4	Fear of rejection of being a burden of people thinking we hold our time is more valuable
1:24.2	than theirs.
1:25.7	But that's not what we usually think when we agree to help others.
	...

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