The I know. Yeah, I'd clap for myself, too.

Good evening, everyone.

Serial farder, Eric Swalwell, has missed more House votes than a congressman who died nine

months ago. Even more troubling, the dead congressman smells better.

Wow. Governor Kathy Hockel will sign a bill that'll make assisted suicide legal in New York.

And within hours, one woman signed up to volunteer.

Meanwhile, in outer space, NASA telescopes have spotted a bizarre new lemon-shaped planet.

Scientists say there's no signs of intelligent life.

But it is open to getting probed.

Oh.

According to a new survey, the average child's allowance is $52 per month.

That's not even $2 a day.

Hell, the kid who walks on my back makes twice that.

Shout out to Seth.

Did you know that Kevin McAllister's groceries

and home alone have gone from $20 in 1990 to $53 today?

Meanwhile, you can still get McCauley Colkin

to walk on your back for $2 a day.

Privacy experts warn that app-connected vibrators may be collecting your personal data.

I guess that explains why that butt plug tried to sell me boner pills.

It's all about the algorithm.

President Donald Trump has now added plaques under ex-presidents' pictures in the White House,

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