Hello, I'm the actor Roger Westcott-Lumeig-Rilei.

I'm probably best known for an incident in which I was shot with a medieval weapon by the

much loved entertainer Les Cheese.

We were both in a play that theatrically explored the two sides of Princess Diana's persona.

I was playing the innocent Demure and Doeide debutante and Cheese was playing the glamorous

and wily socialite.

Anyway, on opening night, it turned out that there had been a mix-up and Cheese had learned

my lines instead of his.

He was absolutely livid and stormed off the stage.

As an actor, I knew it was important to fill what could have been an awkward silence,

and so I began singing and acting out my famous boardy version of a nightingale sang in

Buckley Square.

As I reached the line, the moon that lingered over London town and began unzipping my trousers,

Cheese reappeared, with the 14th century longbow that he keeps in his car and began to pump

me full of arrows at great speed, the stupid old bollock.

Now, the audience did nothing, believing this to be a stunning artistic metaphor for Diana's

swift fall from innocence.

In fact, he only stopped turning me into a bloody pincushion when our co-star, the actor

Nigel Havers, who was playing the playful side of Prince Charles, stuck a magnet in Cheese's

ear which bugged his pacemaker all to fuck, and instead of keeping his heart going, it

started broadcasting BBC Radio 5 Live.

Anyway, the point I'm trying to make is that I haven't been able to work since, and

...