Episode 50: Trauma Bonds: How to recognize them, break them, and co-parent through them
The Divorce Survival Guide Podcast
Kate Anthony
4.4 • 574 Ratings
🗓️ 10 December 2019
⏱️ 36 minutes
🧾️ Download transcript
Summary
This week's episode is about trauma bonding. I've been doing a lot of research on trauma bonding recently because it comes up with so many of my clients and members of my groups. In doing the research I realized that I had a trauma bond in a relationship that ended only five and a half years ago.
What this means is that a good five years into my coaching career, fifteen years into my codependency recovery, and well into my divorce, I slipped down this rabbit-hole myself.
According to Shahida Arabi, author of the amazing book, Becoming the Narcissist's Nightmare, a trauma bond is: "A bond that forms due to intense, emotional experiences, usually with a toxic person. Similar to Stockholm Syndrome, it holds us emotionally captive to a manipulator who keeps us "hostage" – whether that be through physical or emotional abuse."
Trauma bonding can happen to anyone, especially those of us who are pre-conditioned to be drawn to relationships that are abusive or in some way reflective of past or childhood traumas. And let me be absolutely clear: There's no shame in this, but there is great power in seeing the trauma bond for what it is, because only then can we begin to break free of it.
Here are just a few of the topics I touch on in this episode:
- How to recognize a trauma bond: I share the story of my own trauma bonded relationship, which, surprisingly, was NOT with my ex-husband.
- How to heal from a trauma bond: To break free of a trauma bond, professional help in the form of psychotherapy and life coaching is always highly recommended.
- How to co-parent when healing from a trauma bond: when parallel parenting is better than co-parenting.
This is a deep, dense, and intense topic. Please be gentle with yourself as you process this, and be sure to let me know if you need help breaking a trauma bond.
Resources & Links:
Private Coaching Consult with Me
Should I Stay or Should I Go Facebook Group
Becoming the Narcissist's Nightmare
The High-Conflict Co-Parenting Survival Guide
BIFF: Quick Responses to High-Conflict People, Their Personal Attacks, Hostile Email, and Social Media Meltdowns
High-Conflict Divorce for Women
Magic Words: How to Get What You Want from a Narcissist
Transcript
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| 0:00.0 | Welcome to the Divorce Survival Guide podcast, where we have open and honest conversations about co-parenting, separation, divorce, and the hardest question of all, should you stay or should you go. |
| 0:17.6 | I'm Kate Anthony, your divorce survival guide, and I'm here to help you navigate some of the |
| 0:23.5 | roughest waters you've ever swum in and answer some of your toughest questions. I've been to |
| 0:29.1 | hell and back, and now it's my mission in life to help you get to the other side of this process |
| 0:35.0 | with your sanity and your heart intact. |
| 0:44.4 | Hey everyone. Today I am doing an episode on something called a trauma bond. Now, this is something that I have been doing a lot of research about |
| 0:56.9 | recently because it comes up with so many of my clients and members of my groups. And in doing |
| 1:03.1 | the research, I actually realized that I had a trauma bond in a relationship that ended only |
| 1:09.2 | five and a half years ago. So what this means is that a good |
| 1:13.7 | five years into my coaching career, 15 years into my codependency recovery, and well into my |
| 1:20.1 | divorce, I slipped down this rabbit hole myself. Because this can happen to anyone, especially those of us who are preconditioned to be drawn to |
| 1:30.2 | relationships that are abusive or in some way reflective of past or childhood traumas. |
| 1:35.6 | And I will talk a little bit more about that later in the episode. |
| 1:38.5 | But the bottom line, and what I want to say up front, is that there is no shame in this. |
| 1:47.0 | But there is great power in seeing the trauma bond for what it is because only then can we begin to break free of it. And I'm going to |
| 1:52.6 | tell you the story of my relationship to illustrate what this can look like in real time. |
| 1:58.7 | But before we get to my story, let's define what a trauma bond |
| 2:02.7 | is. So according to Shahida Araby, who is the author of the amazing book, Becoming the Narcissist's |
| 2:10.0 | nightmare, which I highly recommend, a trauma bond is a bond that forms due to intense emotional |
| 2:16.3 | experiences, usually with a toxic person. Similar to Stockholm |
| 2:20.5 | syndrome, it holds us emotionally captive to a manipulator who keeps us hostage, whether that be |
| 2:29.0 | through physical or emotional abuse. According to Dr. Patrick Carnes, these types of destructive attachments are |
... |
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