You know those news reports they do every now and then, where someone claims there's a new,

deadly drug craze among teenagers?

Like, are American teenagers eating caterpillars to get high?

Tune in to find out.

And it always, always turns out to be bullshit.

Like the whole vodka-soaked tampon thing.

I can't even remember my name, and even I know that wasn't ever a thing.

So most of those stories are crap.

That said, I did actually uncover a new teenage drug craze this week.

And that dangerous new drug is called Natalie.

This is Spines. A couple of people have asked me how I live if I wandered naked from a burning house with no memory, no money, and no ID just a few months ago. It's a fair question. And I don't totally understand

myself how I've managed, but here's a story that explains the basics.

Three days after the attic, I was standing near the front of a grocery store.

I'd eaten out of dumpsters until then, stolen some clothes out of an outdoor laundry room,

stuff like that. I was getting pretty tired of stale donuts and pizza crust, so I was thinking about shoplifting.

And as I looked through the window of this store, this guy walked by me.

Without even thinking about it, I just opened my mouth and said, please buy me some groceries.

But I didn't just say it. It was like I found an extra set of vocal cords, ones that made the air vibrate in a way only I could feel.

I would demonstrate, dear listeners, but I don't know what would happen if you listen to a recording of me giving a command.

Anyway, I asked.

And this guy just said, yeah, okay, Like it was a totally normal thing to do.

So I followed him into the store and filled a cart, he paid for it, and then he went away

...