Episode 30: Angry Captain
You Look Nice Today
You Look Nice Today
4.7 • 897 Ratings
🗓️ 6 May 2009
⏱️ 35 minutes
🧾️ Download transcript
Summary
INT. DINGY POLICE CAPTAIN’S OFFICE IN THE 80’s - NIGHT
The chair behind the captain’s desk is empty. Two men sit, smoking, in folding chairs facing the desk. CABINTIRE (Adam Lisagor) relaxes in one chair; FLEECE (Emmanuel Lewis) fidgets in the other.
FLEECE
Cabintire, I told you, man! Captain wasn’t gonna be cool with this!
CABINTIRE
Put your panties back on.
(Cabintire hands Fleece a pair of frilly panties.)
FLEECE
First of all, no, man, that’s nasty. And they ain’t even my size!
The door swings open, then slams shut. CAPT RIFFLES (Dennis Franz) stands looking down at the two detectives, shaking his head, chuckling.
RIFFLES
Detective Cabintire.
CABINTIRE
(Sneering)
Yes … sir.
RIFFLES
Would you mind telling me what this is?
(Riffles holds up a bloodied yoga mat.)
CABINTIRE
I believe they call that “evidence” in the police business, sir.
RIFFLES
They might have called it that. Before you took it home and wiped your Downward-facing Dogs all over it for a few weeks. What were you thinking?
FLEECE
Goddammit, man! You’re crazy! I did NOT leave Langley for this bullshit!
CABINTIRE
Why let a perfectly good yoga mat go to waste? Keep your panties on, Captain.
(Cabintire hands Riffles a pair of lace panties.)
FLEECE
Where you get all these panties from, man?
CABINTIRE
Oh, these? They’re a gift from my aunt. My Aunt YOUR MOM.
(The phone rings.)
RIFFLES
Yeah? Oh Jesus. (Hangs up phone.) We got another guy on the roof, over on 72nd & Waldorf.
FLEECE
Who? A jumper?
CABINTIRE
No. A fiddler.
RIFFLES
How’d you know that, Cabintire?
CABINTIRE
NO TIME. Get in my Vanagon, I’ll explain on the way.
ONE MORE THING: In the episode Adam briefly mentions Birdhouse, his new iPhone app. Although YLNT officially endorses BirdBath Pro Lite™ as our Twitter app of choice, we must admit that we greatly prefer Birdhouse. Learn more, watch the video, and buy the thing already:
If you love him you will buy it. Do you hate him? Is that why you’re still reading this? Wow, I’ll let him know. I’ll let him know you made your point, loud and clear, pal. But don’t be surprised if, late tonight, you get a call from Detective Cabintire, wondering where his whiskey money is. Don’t say we didn’t warn you.
Transcript
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| 0:00.0 | Have I told you guys, have I told you guys my new calculation for your porn star name? |
| 0:05.0 | No. |
| 0:06.0 | No? Okay. |
| 0:08.0 | So, you take your mother's name. |
| 0:10.0 | Okay. Okay. You look nice today, a nice today, a journal of emotional hygiene. |
| 0:29.7 | I signed up for my company's gym today and I was getting the tour from the girl who gives the |
| 0:37.4 | tours at the gym and she says, okay, here's the yoga studio. |
| 0:43.3 | And we walk in and the yoga studio smells like farts. |
| 0:47.8 | And clearly farts, not just like sweat that |
| 0:52.1 | smells a little like fartesque. Yeah, it smells like farts. Yeah, it's you know, it's like the post lunch, you know, yoga sash |
| 0:59.4 | So there are people in there doing their thing, right? |
| 1:03.0 | And it's like a class is in session. |
| 1:04.6 | She's just showing me all the options. |
| 1:06.6 | And somebody had had the risotto. |
| 1:09.5 | And we sort of looked at each other and she kind of rolled her eyes like, |
| 1:12.2 | e. Oh, e. |
| 1:13.0 | Oh, good. |
| 1:14.0 | There was acknowledgement at least. |
| 1:15.0 | You sure you want to do this? |
| 1:16.0 | Yeah, she was spunky. |
| 1:17.0 | Oh, she's a landlord and like maybe somebody was drunk on the front porch kind of feeling. |
| 1:21.0 | Right, right. |
... |
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