Hello, ladies and gentlemen and esteemed listeners of the Midlife Gamer podcast.

If you're hearing this at the beginning of the show, something terrible has happened to one of the presenters.

You could probably guess that it's Darren.

I don't like referring to myself in the third person, but hey-ho, I'm probably past caring at this point.

So one or two things will potentially have happened.

Matthew, you'll need to edit out which one it is, and obviously edit this bit out as well and this bit and the bit I just said.

Right, so it's either possible that Darren has succumbed to the pull of the world of tanks

and has disappeared to the Crimea in search of tank wreckage

and places to live with his new Russian bride who has a very persistent and forceful brother

who enjoys my body as well.

Alternatively, again, Matthew, please delete as appropriate.

I may have become disillusioned with the outcome of the general election where Jeremy Corbyn slash Boris Johnson, Matthew, delete as appropriate, stonked to a victory,

and I'm currently in Scotland somewhere looking for somewhere to live.

What else could have happened to me?

Oh, potentially I've just, I'm just laid at home as a rotting corpse collapsed, buried under the weight of my own cardboard.

Matthew, please continue without me.

As Celine Dion once said, my podcast will continue on

without you.

That's assuming it's me.

If it's Matthew,

I could go on for another half an hour

about things that could have happened to him.

...