What makes a murder perfect?

What elevates a murder from a regular ho-hum killing to a crime so gruesome and compelling

that it deserves its own podcast? Does a murder like that even exist?

Is it somewhere out there waiting to be found the next time I open a letter from a convict

or the next time I rest myself out of bed at 2am to check the Google alert I set for the word

decapitated? Or is it just a fantasy? A wild goose chase that will end in nothing but run of the

milk kidnappings dull acts of sexual bondage or the same old mass murder suicides that say nothing

about the fabric of America in the 21st century? Is it all just a beautiful dream?

I'm David Pascal and I've been asking myself these questions for years.

For the first time I finally have some answers.

Hey Ethel. Hello David. What would you like me to do today? A, go online. B,

access my homicide locator function. C, send email. D, play music. B.

Okay David. Retrieving homicides.

This is Ethel. That stands for extremely timely homicide locator by the way. Ethel's a super

computer. Onion Public Radio hired a team of engineers at MIT to build her in order to help us find

the most interesting, violent, culturally relevant murder cases in America. We've programmed Ethel

so that not only can she comb through thousands of murders in a matter of minutes.

Double homicide, murder suicide, suffocation, satanic ritual, poison.

But she can also update her own code based on what would make the most incisive,

critically acclaimed OPR podcast. She's always learning.

David, I have some murders that involve the resentment of the white working class.

Would you like me to print to North printer?

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