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Slack.com slash DHQ. Michael Bloomberg has decided to use a portion of his 60 billion

Bukeru fortune to help to build a time machine and travel into the past and change who he

was up until he started running for president. The itty bitty candidate has already spent

somewhere between 12 and a gazillion simoleons and advertisements depicting him as voters

wish he were, but now he feels those ads don't quite accomplish the necessary task

of changing his history of high-handed contempt for ordinary Americans and super-silias statements

to treat other people as a sort of chess problem only he can solve. Bloomberg says he has already

sent an offer of 40 trillion potatoes to Doc Brown from the back to the future movies

in hopes he'll help invent the time traveling device and also intends to enlist the aid of

Mr. P. Buddy and Sherman and H.G. Wells. They'll offer them less money because they are cartoon

characters and dead respectively. Bloomberg says that by traveling back into the past

he will be able to correct his mistake of telling the truth, which makes it almost impossible

to get elected as a Democrat. In a statement to the belt buckle of the person standing next

to him, Bloomberg said quote, when I said that stop and frisk saved lives or that loaning

mortgages to people who could not pay them back contributed to the 2008 financial crisis,

those statements were 100% accurate and therefore approximately 95% more accurate than a statement

by a Democrat candidate is allowed to be. When I go back in time, I will change those statements

...