Chairman of the House Intelligence Committee, Adam Schiff, has announced that he will investigate

himself for lying repeatedly, unless he's also lying about investigating himself than he

won't.

In a statement made through both sides of his mouth, that one Schiff said, quote, I'm absolutely

shocked at my level of dishonesty.

I myself heard myself repeatedly say I was an honest person, but it now turns out even

that was a lie.

I'm therefore going to start a full investigation into myself, unless it turns out that that's

also untrue.

In which case, I'll be forced to investigate that, unless I'm lying about that as well.

Unquote.

In a sworn statement to the rubber duck in his bathtub, Schiff said, quote, the fact that

I have lied about President Trump repeatedly for three years brings into question my

swearing to tell the truth.

So I'm hereby ordering the committee to open an investigation into my committing

perjury, which would begin immediately, except for the fact that I'm not really ordering

the committee to investigate my committing perjury, I'm just saying that I am.

Unquote.

I'll tell you later showed up on the steps of the Capitol building where he waived a sealed

envelope back and forth in front of reporters until they fell into a deep sleep and promised

to report every absurd thing he said as if it were true.

Schiff then said, quote, I have this envelope.

...