In international news, a savage country mired in the Middle Ages, his threatened to go to war

against the savage country stuck in the Stone Age, causing annoyance among civilized people with

better things to do. The medieval foreigners, who wear funny clothes and speak in an incomprehensibly

gutteral language, have accused the primitive foreigners, who barely wear any clothes at all,

a violating tribal agreements formed hundreds of years ago when the medieval foreigners were

primitive and the primitive foreigners were practically mythological. Democrats have suggested

solving the problem by bringing millions of these unspeakable barbarians to our country, where they

can kill our citizens. Then Democrats will demonstrate compassion by crying over the foreigners

children and speaking fondly about their quaint traditional practices as if there were something

other than blood-drenched atrocities. Presidential advisor John Bolton conversely has suggested we

bomb the Medievals into the Stone Age and bomb the Stone Age into some precentian state

before they could stand upright and use rude tools. President Trump, meanwhile,

is threatened to levy tariffs on whatever natural resource represents the reason we're paying

attention to these homunculi in the first place while calling on Congress to sit down and pass a

law about something, a suggestion that met with sustained laughter followed by threats of impeachment,

followed by a state of absolute inactivity, usually seen only in the far reaches of space

or in Congress. Commentators at CNN blame the crisis on Donald Trump's racism, while op-ed

writers at The New York Times, a former newspaper, blame Donald Trump's refusal to celebrate

transgendarism as represented by the foreigners' habit of mutilating their women until their

bodies were indistinguishable from those of men. The Washington Post, where democracy dies in

unbearable boredom, excoriated Trump for his refusal to institute Barack Obama's plan to

supply the Medieval foreigners with nuclear weapons while providing the primitive foreigners

...