The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences has invented a new category of Oscar.

This year at the awards ceremony, they'll give a statuette to best popular movie.

That's right. Fearing that the award show is sinking into stultifying irrelevance and alienating

political diatribe, the Academy will try to entice viewers back to the show by honoring movies

that people have actually seen instead of the unwatchable trash they usually celebrate.

In the light of the new award for popular films, it seems the Academy might want to add a couple

of other categories as well. For instance, they might give an award to best intersectional crap

thefts that no one saw, but that proves our virtue. So they can deliver a statuette to the sequel

to Moonlight. Moonlight too, this time the gay black man has crippled. They might also have an

award for best attempt to normalize sexual deviancy. The first statuette would go to the musical

biopic Never Say Never Land, in which convicted pedophile Victor Salva, directs Kevin Spacey,

playing Michael Jackson, playing Roman Polansky, directing Charlie Sheen, playing Harvey Weinstein,

hiring Victor Salva to direct Kevin Spacey as Michael Jackson. Another relevant Oscar category

might be best performance by a white man that was overlooked in order to give an award to a black

man who didn't actually deserve it. This award could be given an honor of Will Smith to celebrate

his performance in concussion after someone sees concussion and finds out whether his performance

was any good or not and then celebrates it anyway just to stop his wife's complaining about

make-believe racism. The Academy might also give an award for best actress in a performance as a

woman who had no moral agency when she decided to sleep with a sleazy producer to get the part

that made her career. All in all, I think we can look forward to the next Oscar ceremony as a

moving tribute to an art form people used to give a damn about. Trick or warning, I'm Andrew

Clayvin and this is the Andrew Clayvin Show.

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