You are listening to the Life Coach School Podcast with Brook Kistillo episode number 432.

Welcome to the Life Coach School Podcast, where it's all about real clients, real problems, and real coaching.

And now your host, Master Coach Instructor, Brook Kistillo.

Hey beautiful friends, I am out on a walk. I am in Scottsdale for a week. And let me tell you, it's going to be 114 here today.

But it's 6am and I am out on a walk and it's like perfect temperature. It's like, ligious.

Before the heat comes, before the sun comes, I kind of live out towards the mountains, so it's a little bit cooler here than at the Isnt Scottsdale.

So thank goodness. But I thought I would record one of my podcasts on my heads that which Pavel who does all my editing is always trying to get me not to do because the sound isn't as good.

So I know for some of you that's really annoying, for others of you, you probably like these talks because they feel different. So here we are.

I wanted to talk today about arguing. I know it seems like a crazy topic, but I just had this great conversation with a dear friend of mine.

And we actually had an argument and the way that we handled it, the way that it was handled was very poor.

And we have since kind of come back to that argument, come back to the situation and revisited it and learned a lot actually about arguing and how to do it well.

And one of the things that I said to him that it's like, I think a really important thing to acknowledge is that it is not ideal to be in relationships where you don't argue.

And he had said something like, I don't like arguing. I don't argue with people. If people want to argue with me, then I just leave. I just avoid it.

And because we're both avoidant attachment styles, that does not bode well for connection. Right? It doesn't bode well for kind of moving deeper into a relationship.

And so I was thinking a lot about what it means in relationships to disagree on something, to argue about something, to be upset about something.

And how can we, in relationships, use what we know when it comes to the model, when it comes to communication, when it comes to insecurity and thoughts, to have conversations that actually turn from arguments into deeper connection.

And so I have some ideas about it.

My first idea is I think it's important to understand that arguments are very healthy for relationships. When you argue about something, when you disagree about something, it gives you an opportunity to be honest, to communicate, to open up, to be your authentic self.

And here's what I mean by that. If you're dedicated in a relationship to not arguing about anything, you're going to have to bite your tongue a lot. You're going to have to pretend a lot. You're going to have to people please a lot instead of really saying what's on your mind and really kind of sharing what your thoughts are.

So for example, if you disagree about something or you're having thoughts about something that you know the person in your relationship is not going to agree with you on, it takes courage to bring that up to talk about that, to create a little friction.

Because it's just easier, just to agree. It's easier just to say, oh no, that's fine. I'll just go along with what you're saying.

And what can happen there is a distance, a resentment, a blocking of what's true, what's authentic, and it makes the relationship much more placating than it's necessary.

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