Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer has now introduced a new Democrat program called a better deal.

Weeping hysterical tears, Schumer delivered a speech to the group of...

A ssagi stuffed animals.

He keeps it in his bedroom closet saying, quote,

we have called our new program a better deal in the hope the word deal would make people think of Donald Trump so they might like us for being him instead of hating us for being who we really are.

The sobbing Schumer went on to say, quote,

when you lose an election like the one we lost in 2016, you can't blame James Comey or the Russians or anyone else.

You have to look in the mirror unflinchingly and blame Hillary Clinton, whom you can see behind you in the mirror trying to sneak away before anyone blames her.

In a position paper that the segment of the Democrat Party that is called the Democrat Party, released to the segment of the Democrat Party that is called the News Media,

the Democrat Party, Democrat Party, told the News Media Democrat Party how it would now attempt to appeal to working class Americans who voted for Donald Trump rather than to the Democrat base,

which is six guys who wear dresses and an 80 year old homeless man who agreed to vote 17 times in return for a bottle of Jim Beam.

The position paper outlined a program whereby the Democrats would raise the minimum wage so businesses would hire fewer people than raise taxes on the businesses so that there would be fewer businesses,

then use the taxes from the businesses that are no longer there to give welfare to the people who aren't working because Democrats raise the minimum wage and there are no more businesses.

Falling to his knees and pounding his chest as he wept, Schumer told his dripping security blanket, quote,

capitalism isn't working. Sure, it's made much of the world richer than it's ever been, but it isn't working because it doesn't let us steal middle class people's money in order to buy votes from the poor with useless programs that foster dependency illegitimacy and crime.

We need to have more government involvement in the economy so we can drive those cool 50s cars they have in Cuban Venezuela and stage fun activities like food riots and show trials, unquote.

Noting the success of Donald Trump's make America great again campaign Schumer said the Democrats would try to catch some of that magic by wearing orange wigs and pretending to love the country.

We want to make a better deal with working class American Schumer said, the deal is we'll pretend not to hate you and you'll vote for us and then we'll hate you again.

President Trump responded to the Democrats new plan by humiliating all his friends firing all his political allies and hiring the guy from the hot dog stand outside of Trump tower to run the new department of relish.

So on the Republican side, everything's pretty much the same as usual.

I'm Andrew Clayvin and this is the Andrew Clayvin show.

All right, also your dozed off at the top of my heart.

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