This episode is breaking familiar generational patterns. Today's caller, Angel, grew up in a chaotic home. As an adult, he seeks out chaos and uses numbing strategies when he feels triggered. We work through ways he can recognize the triggers and how he can make them an opportunity for healing without self-blame or shame.

 

[For show notes, go here: Christinehassler.com/episode346]

 

Unraveling and healing from trauma in our childhoods take time. It is hard to deal with our past when we distract ourselves by things happening in the present or with numbing strategies.

 

Because we are often drawn to what is familiar, not what is healthy, that gets a lot of us stuck. We keep going back to things we know are not healthy, then we get stuck in the cycle of self-blame and shame without being compassionate with ourselves.

 

A trigger is a gateway to healing, but if we go to a distraction or a quick fix we miss the opportunity for deeper healing. It's about making the decision at the time of the trigger to go inside and that is when we do the work.

 

A disorganized attachment style is formed when we have had a chaotic childhood. A disorganized attachment style is like a "come here, now go away" pattern. It is the wanting of attention and affection, wanting to be seen but also wanting to withdraw. When real intimacy and real love get too close, the person with a disorganized attachment style wants to push it away.

 

If you want to learn more about attachment styles you can download a great group coaching call for only $20 at ChristineHassler.com/group-coaching-replays.

 

Consider/Ask Yourself:

• Do you have trouble being alone?
• Did you grow up in a chaotic environment where you didn't feel seen and safe? Did you witness violence?
• Do you find yourself in a cycle of going into dysfunctional relationships or abusing a substance and you feel shame about it?
• Do you have a lot of awareness but feel you are not changing?

 

Angel's Question:

Angel seeks chaos and conflict and would like guidance on how to feel a sense of safety and be in his body.

 

Angel's Key Insights and Ahas:

• His childhood home was chaotic.
• He is social around other people.
• He finds it difficult to be alone with his thoughts.
• He feels empty.
• He seeks out chaos in his life.
• He uses substances in excess.
• His cycle of shame repeats.
• He shut down as a child to cope with the domestic violence he witnessed.
• He feels not-enough and has a disorganized attachment style.
• He has never felt loved or safe.
• He is always looking to find what he didn't get as a child.
• He feels he has awareness.
• He feels comforted when other people are around.
• His intuition tells him he should wait to enter a romantic relationship.
• He was in a trauma-bond relationship that blew up.
• He finds it hard to forget the trauma he experienced as a child.
• He still lives with his mom, and he feels anger toward her when she tries to parent him.

 

How to Get Over It and On With It:

• Have compassion for himself.
• Acknowledge himself and tell himself he is not alone.
• Have patience with his process and acknowledge his progress.
• Resist the urge to go to the quick fix when he feels triggered.
• Leverage triggers when they come up.
• Write a letter to his mother he does not intend to give to her.
• Make the intention to make relationships with male mentors or build up more healthy male relationships.

 

Takeaway:

• Use the moments when you feel triggered to reach for a distraction or a numbing strategy, to instead leverage the triggering opportunity to use your healing tools.
• Find healthy male groups to be a part of such as Mpowered Brotherhood on Instagram.

 

Resources:

Christine Hassler — Join the Free Over It and On With It Community

Christine Hassler Podcasts Including Coaches Corner

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Expectation Hangover, by Christine Hassler

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@ChristineHassler on Instagram

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