The President

President of the Russian President Vladimir Putin

last week in a confab that lasted over two hours.

Ever since then, there have been conflicting reports

of what happened during the exchange.

According to Russian sources, Putin and Trump

began the meeting by tearing off their shirts

to compare their pectoral muscles, a competition

which the Russians say Putin clearly won

with rippling pecs that were able to make his nipples rise

and fall both individually and together.

The New York Times, a former newspaper,

carefully reported every claim by the Russians

and even consulted a Russian body language expert.

I'm actually not making this part up.

The expert said Putin completely triumphed over Trump,

though whether he was referring specifically

to the peck contest was not specified in the Times article

or if it was, it was obscured by the fact

that I was wrapping fish in the paper while I was reading it.

According to sources within the Putin camp,

the meeting continued with an arm wrestling match

...