Well, the long, clavineless week of clavineless, clavinelessness is finally over.

People around the world spent the weekend celebrating by attending church services, eating

chocolate eggs, and gathering with family for prayers of Thanksgiving, although to be

honest, that may have just been a coincidence.

But while I spent the week far away in England where the happy barefoot, carefree natives speak

a language Americans can't understand, namely English, I did manage to keep up with world

events by reading various American news sites.

So to begin this festive clavin tide, allow me to present to round up of the week's news

as described on these sites.

After a poison gas attack in Syria, Ivanka Trump apparently got very upset and demanded

that Daddy bomb someone right this minute.

President Trump, who can never deny his daughter anything because she's just so hot, unleashed

a devastating aerial attack on either Syria or Iraq or Steve Bannon, he always gets those

three confused.

Fourth Korean dictator Kim Jong-un responded, for some reason, by detonating a nuclear

device that blew him into the kitchen pantry, where he spent the next three days eating a

particularly succulent chopped chive pork with potato noodles.

At this point, presidential spokesman Sean Spicer mistakenly announced that Adolf Hitler

never used poison gas against his own citizens.

When in fact, poison gas was kind of a thing with Hitler, causing many high-ranking Nazis

to remark, ah, that Hitler always mitre poison gas.

Spicer quickly issued an apology, which read in full, quote, shut up or all punch you

...