This is Annie Grace and you're listening to this naked mind podcast where without judgment,

pain or rules, we explore the role of alcohol in our lives and culture.

Hi, this is Annie Grace and welcome to this naked mind podcast and I'm here with Carolyn. Hi.

Thank you. I'm excited and nervous.

That's awesome. So, but why don't you just like start from the beginning. Go go back to kind of where alcohol was first in your life and how it all started for you.

Sure. I think that's the part that makes me nervous. I've just not really shared this story with anybody before. I think when I first reached out, I was like, kind of a closet non drinker.

But so like even growing up alcohol is not a huge part of like my family life. My mom didn't drink for as long back as I can remember. I know my dad did, but I don't have like a lot of memories.

I think maybe one or two where I was like, ooh, something's different about him. That's a little silly. Like I think maybe he's drunk, but for the most part, it just wasn't present.

And so I, you know, I didn't really get into it in high school. I'm a very first experience drinking was on a trip to the place where I was going to go college.

And it was like, and I think that looking back at it, because obviously I've done a lot of reflecting on it since.

So much of my story and my relationship with alcohol just has revolved around like wanting to fit in and feeling like I just didn't want to stand out as different, which I think is why now I'm such a closet non drinker because I'm like, oh, then I won't fit in people won't realize.

So I have a lot of memories of that night at the school and it was fun and just kind of not really getting it. Like, okay, I mean, that was a thing, but I don't really get what it's about this idea of binge drinking, I guess.

And then I just kind of went back home. I was still in high school and then didn't drink again until spring break of that year and like did a trip with friends who were just so much cooler than I was.

And I was like, I don't know, I don't know, I'm just thinking, I don't know, maybe this is a grown up thing.

And then it sort of evolved into when I got to college, it was almost this like competitive, like I'm going to be a badass.

And it just found myself really like wanting to be able to, to like hold it, to hold my liquor, you know, like not be wasted and not get drunk.

And then like the year I was 20, I was so paranoid about like I'm such a rule follower. And so I was so paranoid about getting caught as like right before I turned 21 and oh God, how terrible would that be? Like you're so close.

So even that year was kind of like I would drink, you know, at like parties or at the house where I was living and stuff like that. But, you know, for the most part, I wasn't like out in all of the bars, I would go, but I just was like, no, you know, like I'm.

Thanks, like maybe go to the bathroom and have a drink or something, but I was like, I just remember people feeling so confident like they're just going to hang out and like underage and order this drink. And I was like, oh my God, the cops are going to bust in at any minute and we're going to be so in trouble.

And then so that it was always kind of this like fear thing for me. And then when I turned 21, it was like, okay, now there's nothing to be scared of like the wheels have now come off. It's fine. I can do it. I'm so grown up and made the mistake of staying in my college house.

The year after I graduated and I had a job and I was going to work and then trying to like live this double life of being there because none of my roommates had graduated. They were all still in college.

So I was like trying to adult by day in like college student by night and it was just a really rough time. And I did realize like that's not going to work for me. So I moved.

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