Ep 26: Not Pregnant

Monocycle with Leandra Medine

Monocycle

Arts

4.9 • 779 Ratings

🗓️ 10 June 2016

⏱️ 7 minutes

🔗️ Recording | iTunes | RSS

🧾️ Download transcript

Summary

This week's episode of Monocycle is about sharing what one is going through while going through it as opposed to the aftermath, after, as Leandra said, "the experience has been put in a box and wrapped in fancy words and called a first person essay," because this is real life, right? Between the inspiring stories of victory and triumph that emerge out of despair and the road blocks that life throws in our tracks, there is the very real question of, "But what do I do NOW?" She doesn't have a profound answer but believes that sometimes, sharing is enough. Logo by Kelly Shami - legsny.com/ Edited by Nicholas Quazzy Alexander

Transcript

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0:00.0	Hi, it's Leandra from Man Repeller. Welcome back to Monocycle, a podcast by the aforementioned
0:09.2	man repeller, hosted by me, the aforementioned Leandra. This is actually really unique timing.
0:18.0	I pretty much just rushed home to come find my sound booth and sit down
0:24.3	and record this episode because about 30 minutes ago I got off the phone with my fertility
0:30.4	doctor and she let me know that the egg that we had implanted last week in our effort to try and get pregnant via IVF did not stick.
0:43.2	When I first heard the news from my doctor, my heart sunk a little bit and I let it sit.
0:50.1	And you know, initially I was in survival mode and I had my game face on and I was like,
0:54.8	okay, so what do next steps look like? What do we need to do? And the minute we got off the phone,
0:58.8	I called my husband and I started crying really hard. And I mean, I articulated to him exactly
1:05.6	how I was feeling and how I am feeling, which is like I'm such a loser. Like this isn't about
1:10.8	anything but my own uterus now, right is like I'm such a loser. Like, this isn't about anything but my own
1:12.0	uterus now, right? Like, all of our embryos were tested. They're good. And so if one did an
1:18.3	implant, it's my fault. There's something wrong with me. There's something wrong with my uterus, right?
1:23.3	But no, I can't think like that. I thought about this a lot.
1:28.5	So the time it takes to determine whether or not a woman is pregnant after she does an IVF
1:34.1	implant is nine days.
1:35.4	And so I've spent the last nine days from two Sundays ago until today, Tuesday,
1:40.6	thinking about how to manage my expectations, how to be cautiously optimistic, to force myself to recognize that if I'm not pregnant, that's okay, that this isn't the end-all, be-all, that I will get pregnant eventually, that one day I'll have a baby.
2:04.1	The reason I was really anxious and eager to get home and talk about this is because of the way that I'm feeling, the sort of raw sadness that has
2:10.8	totally overcome my entire body. You know, they say that becoming a parent is unlike any feeling
2:17.3	in the world and that you can't
2:18.6	articulate it. But I think that's true also of the recognition that you're ready to be a parent.
	...

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