President Barack Obama has been working on his farewell address to the nation, dictating

the text to his personal secretary, Lola Vavum.

In a dramatic exclusive, we here at the Andrew Klavin show have obtained a copy of the

first draft of this speech thanks to a relationship with Miss Vavum that is not at all what my

wife thinks it is.

Depending on what the meaning of is is, or what the meaning of meaning is, or whether

I can climb out of Lola's window before my wife's private detective breaks in.

Here then is an exclusive look at the first draft of Obama's farewell remarks, giving

us an insight into how he's assembling his thoughts for his final speech as president,

quoting now from the document.

My fellow Americans, you lousy SOBs, what do you mean I can't call them SOBs?

Look what they did to me, Lola.

They've ruined everything.

They've turned me into a punchline of a bad joke.

What's black and white and red all over my face?

That's what.

Now that this nation of Bible clinging idiots has humiliated me by electing some aren't

shared gorilla to disassemble all of my beautiful achievements.

Damn it, stop crying, Lola.

I can't think with all that blubbering going on.

Just pour me another drink and shut the hell up for once.

Now where was I?

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