This is exactly right.

We want to start with a disclaimer that throughout this series, we feature explanations and

stories that include some heavy material, including early pregnancy loss, stillbirth,

and other traumatic experiences of pregnancy, childbirth, and the postpartum period.

There's a lot I could say about the physical difficulty of carrying a baby,

but I'm going to focus on the postpartum because that was what was most surprising and unsettling

to me. Throughout my pregnancy, I always expected that I would start kind of falling in love

with the baby. Like I always heard people saying, start kind of falling in love with the baby.

Like I always heard people saying, I'm already so in love with you, all those social media posts and what people are talking about.

And I never really felt an attachment, but I was especially promised that when you give birth, it's the happiest day of your life.

You look down at the baby and you love

them instantly more than it's a different love than you've ever experienced before. And so after,

you know, three days of pre-labor and then 15 hours of labor, I gave birth and the baby was put

on my chest. And I just felt this kind of heartbreaking missed step feeling because it felt the same as it always had.

There was no immediate love.

There was a baby on my chest.

And that was it.

And then in the hospital, I kind of was feeling like I have no idea how to take care of this baby.

There was kind of this helplessness. I couldn no idea how to take care of this baby. There was

kind of this helplessness. I couldn't feed it. He wasn't latching. I could hardly stand myself.

Like I needed help getting to the bathroom. I couldn't sit up. I didn't change into clothes.

I just felt like very sick. And when the nurse came with the wheelchair and was going to wheel us out, I was like,

...