Great news, fatties, scientists are promising that soon you will be able to have your cake

and eat it too. Researchers at the University of Texas have been testing a new drug

called CPAC, C-P-A-C-C, that has proven to stave off weight gain in mice,

no matter how much the mice stuffed to their fat little rodent faces. The drug works by

inhibiting the way that magnesium flows through mitochondria, which is the part of the cell

responsible for producing energy. Excess magnesium seems to slow mitochondria's ability to burn

calories so the drug mimics the deletion of the protein-coding gene that controls the flow of

magnesium, thus limiting it and effectively increasing the body's metabolism, which is all a dazzling

feat of science. But I have another suggestion. Rather than squander countless resources,

man-hours, dollars, laboratory equipment, so on, trying to figure out how to counteract the

consequences of people's gluttony. What if we just encouraged people to put the cupcake

down? I know weight loss is difficult for some, some people have it harder than others,

but this magic experimental pill that rewires your body chemistry doesn't seem like the best

solution. It isn't a solution at all because obesity isn't the cause of people's problems,

but a symptom of people's problems. Modern liberal pill popping scientific culture constantly treats

symptoms as causes. Are you depressed? Papa's annex. Don't worry about working on your marriage,

or reconciling with your father, or finally finishing that degree, or getting a job,

even maybe dare I suggest it, going to church to recognize the meaning and purpose in your life.

Now don't worry about that. Don't worry about that unshakable existential on-wee caused by a

lack of faith, which is the substance of things hoped for and the evidence of things unseen. No,

just drug yourself. Hmm, all better. Having trouble sleeping? Well, don't worry about exercising,

or trying to relax, or cutting down on the partying, or no, don't just take a sleeping pill.

...