Well, the longest government shutdown in U.S. history is finally over, and many of you are asking questions.

Like, why would Sidney make a movie where she plays a fat boxer? What was she thinking?

Also, why do women play with their hair when they like a guy? And here's another one.

You know how the screen just went dark in the last episode of The Sopranos? What the hell was that about?

I mean, they're paying the screenwriter good money. Shouldn't he be able to come up with some kind of ending? And don't even get me started on how I met your mother. And, okay, some of you may have questions about the government shutdown. And holy moly, I can't even imagine what your lives must be like. But hey, here at the Daily Wire, it's not our place to mock you for being pathetic. So as part of our mission to give you an in-depth understanding of the news, we're pleased

to provide you with this handy Q&A about the government shutdown.

Q. Why did the government shut down in the first place? A. The government shut down because

Chuck Schumer is the Senate leader of the Democrats, and he's a place. A. The government shut down because Chuck Schumer is the Senate leader

of the Democrats and he's a demon. Q. Wait, really? A. Yeah, look at him with those dead eyes and the

widow's peak you could cut your wrist with. The guy's a helldweller, probably crawled out of a

crevice in the earth somewhere. Q. But weren't there like political considerations? A. I don't know. I'm still trying to figure out how Sidney looked in the mirror and thought, oh good, I'm a super hot white girl. For the next 10 years, I can literally have anything I want. I know I'll make a movie where I'm a fat polucco. People will flock to the

theaters to see that. I mean, who knows why people do the things they do?

Q, could we get back to the shutdown? A, sure. He obviously had nothing better to do.

Q, what were the results of the shutdown? A. During the shutdown, the government couldn't perform its very important functions, like,

I don't know, making speeches and putting up signs and whatnot.

Q. That's it? They couldn't make speeches and signs?

A. Signs are actually very important. Otherwise, they tow your car and you're like,

what did I even do?

Q. Well, what about health care? A. Right. Democrats want to gradually lure the United States

into a government health care system like they have in England and Canada, where more and more

of your money goes into increasingly outdated medical treatments until finally they have to legalize

medically assisted suicide so they can

...